Heaven, Hell & Room Service

Chapter 6: The Bureaucratic Oath

American writer and economist Thomas Sowell had the following observation on bureaucracy. He said "You will never understand bureaucracies until you understand that for bureaucrats procedure is everything and outcomes are nothing." I always liked that one. There is no denying, at least not plausibly denying, that bureaucracy has its place. Of course it does. Without it, government wouldn't be government, and every world economy would crumble faster than a stale cookie. Human beings need bureaucracy in order to function, and that is just reality.

Why am I starting the chapter off like this? Because what humanity doesn't realize is that there is a far deeper bureaucracy than any of those they will ever know about or interact with., It is the Afterlife. The Afterlife is an environment where there are not only thousands of self-interested residents and staff, but also constant turnover, reams of paperwork and endless volumes of policy. If it weren't for the bureaucracy holding everything together, it just wouldn't function effectively.

So what did this mean to the current story? It meant that Neil, Emily and Adam were going to find out the true meaning of the word bureaucracy. And so we return to the scene that we left at the last page break. Emily has just had it register in her brain that her name is unmistakably on the list of Heavenly admissions. Let's watch...

She didn't know what to do. She didn't even know what to think. Neither did Neil. They sat there for a long time, alternating stares between the name and the front of the binder. It sure as hell said Heaven on the front. "I'm...in the wrong place," Emily managed quietly.

"It would appear so," Neil replied.

"What do I do now?"

Neil sighed. "Ask Mr. Thorpe to transfer you obviously. I mean they can't say no, we have the proof right here." Internally, Neil hated this turn of events, because it meant that Emily would be leaving soon. Somewhere deep down he was happy for her, but it was buried under several layers of hormonal urges.

It just so happened that Chuck popped his head into the office at that moment. "You grunts okay in here?"

"Chuck, we've found something. D'you have a minute?" Neil asked. He was sure that this was worth at least a minute.

"Not really, but shoot."

The words rushed out of Emily's mouth. "Well, it's just we found my name in one of the lists, and my death location, and it was on the list for the day that I died. Except it's in the Heaven binder."

"So?"

"So Emily got put in Hell," Neil explained. "She got put in the wrong building."

Chuck laughed, but it was a nervous, not-so-sure laugh. "Nice try guys, but I'm afraid that's impossible."

"But it's not," Emily persisted. "It's right here." She brought the binder over to him and pointed.

"Well...that's not you," Chuck said dismissively.

"What d'you mean it's not me? Are you telling me that two Emily Goddards died in the British Virgin Islands on June 4th? Both wearing a blue and black one piece bathing suit?"

"Must be," he insisted, perhaps more hopeful than sure.

Neil had just checked the other binder. "No dice, man. There is no Emily Goddard in the June 4th directory for Hell."

"Impossible." Neil showed him. "Oh [insert very nasty explitive]!" He took the binder from Neil and rushed off. Neil and Emily chased after him, listening as he mumbled something about the A.A.D. "Dad!" he shouted.