Bittersweet Denial

Chapter 2

I slide into the passengers seat of Sienna's MIA father's beat up Volkswagen he left behind when he left her behind with her mom and two younger siblings. I'm honestly surprised the girl got her liscence so fast- she's a maniac. She's also a sixteen year old starting sophomore year, so she's a year older. I forget that a lot more than i thought possible because I'm definitely more mature, and i have been since she switched to my school in the fourth grade.

My impatience gets the best of me mid-thought as i notice her buckling her seat belt.
"Okay what are you sucking me into?", I jab.
"Dude, just sit back and relax. You'll like it."

I gaze out the window slightly bothered by the discomfort of not knowing where we're going.

My gaze fades into blind thoughts while the thick August wind brushes my face and sun beats on my right arm. I let my arm sit there and burn a little. I like when the heat gets a little too hot but its not unbearable for about 5 minutes and then that burning feeling hits all at once.

My annoyance grows more and more along with anticipation as minutes pass by in silence. I'm preparing my argument in my head and I'm sure Sienna is preparing her defense statement just as well.

I finally get bored of sequencing what I'm gonna yell first and start trying to predict her turns. I repeatedly turn my head away from her to stop the temptation to look at her hand placement on the wheel. I got four turns right in the past 6 minutes and missed one. The first one. I know exactly where she's going now.

Big Daddy's. That's the only place in this direction we have enough money for and are old enough to enter. Either she's trying to be funny by taking me to one of the top ten most colorful settings in NYC or this is a date.

Judging by the hunk of lazy womanizer leaning on the hood of an original camaro; smiling at the sight of miss Sienna pulling into the parking lot, its the latter version.

Judging again, by the lack of man beside him : my date is a no show. Great. Third wheeling time, just great.

Crap. I guess my predictions were slightly off again. It made a much bigger difference this time. One of the last people I would expect to see with Sienna's douche of the week slides out of the passenger's seat of the camaro.

Carson Andrews.
Just one of those boys no one payed attention to until highschool when he went from dorky to, well - cute.

He was definitely attractive, but not the kind you notice right away. You would have to have worked with him on a summer job, or had him as a biology partner freshman year to recognize it. Lucky me, i had both of those in the past.

Seeing him slightly stumbling over to my best friend's mystery prick, and standing there shoulders stiff, hands in pocket, head tilted down proves he still has a thin layer of dork.
Or maybe just low confidence.... Or both.

By junior year, I bet he'll be hot shit. Maybe not a football player or anything sporty due to his expanding lack of experience up to this year and also lack of muscle. He'll have a popular girlfriend and the jocks will ask if he wants to hang out with them. People will know him and they'll like him. He just had that likeable potential.

Maybe that likeable potential is what shut me up when Sienna parked the car, instead of me expressing how pissed i was. Maybe that's why I smiled when i said that same line

"Hi, I'm Rhea."

Maybe that likeable potential is what made me leave my comfort zone and try to flirt more than i usually do.

Maybe it was the likeable potential that made me think i liked him through the meal and his quirky personality that offered shy attempts at making me laugh.

Maybe it was that likeable potential that made me feel that way. But it wasn't.

I tried and tried convincing myself it was, but in truth i knew what i was doing the whole time. Every response to him was mapped out to be a response to someone else.

With a guy like Carson, responding with a sarcastic joke after his bad joke isn't what you do. Carson is the guy who's jokes you laugh at even though they're dumb.... But I didn't. Because i wasn't responding to him. I was responding to who i wanted him to be.

I wanted to be sitting there in that chill retro diner with him. With Sean. Not Carson Andrews. I wanted to hear bad jokes coming from him, not Carson Andrews. I wanted the waitress to smile at me and Sean when she handed us the bill for our milkshakes and fries, not me and Carson Andrews.

I wanted Sean, and so I made a version of Sean. I convinced myself it was him. I convinced myself that I was sitting in the movie theater after eating at Big Daddy's with him.

With that guy that just happened to be one of my close guy friend's cousins from out of town. With that guy who's eyes i was waiting to meet from the second he walked into the party back in June.

I convinced myself that i was with that guy who wasn't just a sloppy drunk stolen kiss. That i was with him, Sean, and he was mine.

It worked. For the most part.... The theater was dark so I didn't have to distort Carson's face, I could just sit next to him comfortably imagining he was the guy i still love. The guy I didn't want to be another mistake. Sean, not sweet - innocent Carson.

Then the movie ended, and so did my fecad. I walked out and headed straight for the bathroom without saying anything the second the credits came on. Of course, Sienna followed.

Locking the stall and trying to slow or at least steady my breathing, I try to ignore her standing there staring me down through the crack of the door. Dissapointed and sympathetic all at once.

"I'm fine."
- that's all I have. A weak attempt to get Queen stubborn to leave.

"Really honey? Ya don't look fine. You look like an undercooked tortilla that got dropped in a mop bucket"

"Gee, thanks Si. You look beautiful too."

"Well, you're the one having a panic attack in a public restroom. What was I supposed to say?"

Nothing would have been just fine actually. But that's impossible with this girl.

"So... Uh. You gonna tell me why you ran out like that?"

"I didn't run out, Si. The movie was over. I needed to pee."

"Fine. Whatever have it your way. I'll leave it alone."

As if, i rolled my eyes at the thought of her actually leaving it alone. She left me alone to think for about forty-five seconds before she started talking again.

"Sooo-"

"No. I don't think I like him."

"What the hell Rhea? You sure seemed like you liked him up until now."

Yeah i sure did. Maybe i should be an actress because me and the guy out there probably thinking he did something wrong are far from compatible.

I completely ignore her statement and saunter back out like nothing happened. Like I didn't just break down because i miss my summer fling in the middle of a date with a perfectly nice boy.