I Want You {L.S. Fanfic}

Chapter 15: I Can't Live With the Thoughts of You

[WARNING: Un-edited and this scene is directly after the rape scene with Harry back at the Lucian House. There are descriptions of self-harm. Read at your own risk, please.]

I really wanted to release this chapter despite being on hiatus and the flip-flop between future and past will be more controlled and explained later on in other chapters. This isn't my best writing but it was okay enough to share in my opinion. See you soon ! ~Kim x

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Harry looked at himself in the mirror and all he could see was tired sunken eyes and tangled hair. He didn't recognize the man in the mirror.

He turned on the water to the shower and kept the temperature just under burning. He let the steam fill in the small, molding room. The shower itself had stains similar to the color of rust and smelt of copper. The mirror was no better with chips of glass missing and cracks in the corners. The ground was freezing and the color of concrete.

He took off the clothes that clung to his body. They clung just as the memories from time previously took over all of his thoughts. He looked down at his frail body, touching every bruised piece of flesh that scathed his being. He wondered when everything went to shit in his life.

Stepping into the scalding water Harry's skin tainted red. He rather liked the color, he embraced the complexion between foul pale to blushes of red.

He thought back to his first dominant, Adam, and how nice he was. Adam was Harry's first Dom at quite a young age and harry couldn't have been happier at the time. He held a soothing voice that always helped harry fall asleep when all he could miss was his previous family. The relationship lasted for a good two years but everything changed one night when Harry brought up children. The response he received broke his already fragile heart, "you want children? Ha, that's laughable. How in the tell are you suppose to raise this child when you can't even take care of your own self?" And from there Adam would come home with a bottle of various liquors and punishment was a daily event. Everyday he'd remind himself to never bring up children again. And still to this day, he was unaware what truly made Adam lash out so harshly.

Harry took hold of the body wash that belongs to Niall but he has always used, and started lathering it on his body, scrubbing the soap in with his hands.

He scrubbed until his skin turned an agitated red, with his vision blurring in the process. He could taste the salt from his tears as he choked on a breath, hiccuping ever-so-often. His nails left a disturbed mark on his skin. His mind raced as did his heart, he couldn't get the thought of his touch out of his mind. Harry felt so unclean, undeserving of anything or one.

Harry's head pounded as metallic filled his tastebuds. "F-Fuck," Harry wheezed as crimson streaks lightly coursed down his arm.

Tyler, his second dominant, had rejected Harry from the start. He'd question why Harry ended poorly with another Dom and with these feelings Harry was left isolated most days, whether it be within the designated isolation room or not. He'd only receive slaps, rough kisses, and never was there ever a caress, kissed cheek, soft touch, or anything that would resemble heartfelt feelings.

He could feel his heart in his throat as his mind drifted into a place between conscious and unconscious. Slowly, he fell down the wall of the shower, wincing as he sat fully down, water flowing down his body.

Just as Harry's cries grew uncontrollably louder the water became colder. His hands pressed firmly on his forehead, letting out a scream. He just wanted to scream, but majority of it was drowned out by the sound of crashing water. His pain couldn't be shown through screams but it's the only process helping apart from the now paused flow of blood down his arm. He wanted to feel the pain that was beheld inside him and too, physically. But, as per usual he could only feel frozen and numb, the only act proceeding being his thoughts and deafening bodily sounds.

Soon however came a knock on the door, which Harry unfortunately for him, didn't lock.

"Harry?" Niall called from outside the wooden door.

Harry could hear faintly but was too withdrawn to answer.

"Haz, I need to see if you're okay...shit well okay not okay-- yes okay, dammit-- but ya'know alive?" Niall speaking the last part in a descending volume.

With no answer after some time, Niall opened the door to the sound of more profound gasping.

"Harry?" Niall whispered, grabbing a towel and stopping the freezing water that left Harry shivering with tinted lips of discolored red.

Harry didn't answer, having his head by his knees as he shivered, stuck in his own devastating thoughts.

His third Dom was a milestone in his life, but truly a devastating one. With every broken beer bottle and nicked piece of flesh Harry was loosing himself. This one person he couldn't escape for many years and it tore every piece of self worth he had. And the next following dominants would be no better.

Niall wrapped the towel around Harry's body and slowly raised Harry to his feet, not missing the wincing, shivering and most noticeably the stained blood.

"Hazza, can you come back to me?" Niall asked gently, seating him on the toilet seat lid. Harry could only shake more and stare with dry eyes that went nowhere. He was lost by the amount of trauma that he has endured.

Harry gave his all in a game that took everything a person had. He broke himself from the inside out and he couldn't understand how to fix this issue. He couldn't even think that he wasn't in the wrong. He thought because he was a common variable that all these occurrences upon him were of his own doing and that broke him ever more.

After some time passed and Niall couldn't get Harry coherent, Niall helped him dry off (plus clean up wounds) and dress, then laid him on his bed. He wouldn't sleep but he also wasn't truly awake.

His mind was wild while his body was numb. Niall hated to see his friend through so much pain that he could neither mend nor understand fully.

Niall was about to leave to grab Harry something to drink and maybe another blanket when he spoke, "all I ever wanted was a soothing voice to help me sleep, but I lost that the moment I thought of something, someone, bigger than the two of us."