<pre style="line-height: 15.75pt; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">Right now I am alive. I breathe, I move, I do many different things. But am I really alive? I say I do these things, but, what I failed to mention, was that these are simple tasks that I can do robotically, as if I was constantly set on auto pilot. Am I truly living or am I merely existing?
I have gone on, 'living' like this, for over half my life. I look happy, don't I? Just like the innocent flower but really I am the serpent under it. I put on a mask, I pretend, I act and I fool all that know me. I wear a smile but it is very rarely a true one. I hide behind it and keep everyone from getting too close and from knowing the truth. I don't want to worry anyone or burden them with my problems and emotional baggage, so I quietly go on and keep up my charade. I doubt it will last forever, nothing ever does.
I want to let others know... But how? It's not like you can just tell someone this kind of thing. It will never be something simple that can be slipped into a casual conversation, nor should it be, but then how am I to tell anyone? If it were so easy to walk up to someone and say "Hey, guess what, I want to kill myself and I've thought of actually doing it a whole bunch of times." I would have already done it. I continue hiding my true emotions, I suffer in silence.
Sometimes I feel faint glimmers of hope from deep within. Try as I may, I can never bring them to the surface and the feeling is quickly locked away. It is swallowed up by the darkness, the inky blackness that is being pumped through me, spreading like a virus, my poisonous venom. It is infecting me, slowly taking over and transforming me into a cold-lifeless drone that will never feel a true emotion again.
I want it to stop. I would do anything, give up anything to fix everything. I want to get better. I'm sick of this; it's why I want to die. Would it be better if I was dead? I tend to believe so. I wouldn't be wasting space or precious resources that others so desperately need. I'm tired of prolonging the inevitable. Everything just leads to death anyway, so why keep on living?</span></pre>
