across a fragile line (hold me down)

repudiation

3171 words

He feels empty.

Josh wakes up in his bunk and doesn't remember anything from the night before until he's in his hotel bathroom and spots his crumpled clothing by the shower. He spins around and promptly vomits into the toilet.

Once he's finished throwing up the entire contents of his stomach, he goes to wash out his mouth. He sees his reflection in the mirror and blanches, horrified.

He looks hollow.

Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him.

"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar.

Josh strips down, pointedly ignoring the way his body protests to the sudden movements. He steps into the shower and turns the water on, making sure it's as hot as he can handle. He scrubs his skin as ruthlessly as he can, knowing logically that there's nothing left to wash off; the shower last night took care of that. But at the back of his mind, there's something telling him that if he manages to wash the feeling of those hands on him, maybe it never happened.

Yes, maybe it never happened. If he can't feel it, if he denies it ever happened, maybe it never did. They're his memories, and it's his decision to forget them.

Maybe it never happened. Maybe he can make it so it never happened.

Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him.

"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar.

It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler).

"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting, and a free drink.

It's probably half an hour later when Josh finally shuts off the water and steps out of the shower. The feeling on his skin is mostly gone, but it makes the feeling of the cold hollowness in his chest more prominent. He wraps a towel around his waist and scoops his clothes up. He goes to open the door when he sees his reflection in the mirror and pauses.

"Fucking tin man," he mutters, opening the bathroom door and heading for his bag so he can dress.

That's when the hotel door opens. "Josh!"

Josh freezes on his way to grab his bag. Does Tyler know? Does he see what Josh sees when he looks into the mirror?

But Tyler just smiles and says, "Hey man, we missed you for dinner! I saved you a burrito, though."

Josh tries to work his mouth into some kind of smile. "Thanks," he says, and even his voice sounds hollow.

"Well, you probably want, like, actual breakfast food, not a burrito," Tyler says as Josh starts to inch over to his bag. "And Taco Bell doesn't really keep that well, but I think it'll be okay if you want it now."

"Yeah, uh, that would be great," Josh says. He isn't really hungry, but he would be on any other day. And it is any other day, so he's hungry.

They both stand there for a moment.