across a fragile line (hold me down)

sufferance

17323 words (o dang)

It's not real. He's not real. Nothing's real. It can't be.

It's not until he's back, locked in the hotel bathroom does he feel a surge of cold panic course through his body. He showers with the water as hot as he can bear, but no matter how hard he tries, he can't warm the freezing hollowness in his chest.

Why is everything he owns so... tight? He tears through his suitcase, frantically searching for something loose, something soft. He grabs a pair of sweatpants, and he pulls a baggy t-shirt over his head.

He crawls into his bed, curling up and burying his head under the blankets.

He feels empty.

"Josh," Jenna says carefully, "when he– when you were being hurt, he didn't use... protection, did he?"

Josh furrows his eyebrows. "No?"

"I was... I was thinking," Jenna says quietly. "Um. There's a Planned Parenthood clinic not too far from here."

"I'm not... I'm not pregnant," Josh says, bewildered.

Jenna blushes. "No, no, I know," she says quickly. "It's just that... from what you've told me, it seemed like he was... smooth. He's probably hurt other people before. I was thinking maybe... maybe you should get tested. For STDs."

Josh blanches. He hadn't even considered that.

"I read about the procedure," Jenna says quickly, before Josh can say anything. "It's kind of invasive, but the results are really reliable, and it said that you should get tested at least once in your lifetime anyways, so you'll be getting that out of the way."

"I..." Josh says, but he can't think of anything else to say.

"I think it's really something you should do," Jenna says quietly, and hesitantly, Josh agrees.

Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him.

"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar.

It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler).

"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting, and a free drink.

"What do you like?" the guy asks.

"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun.

The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."

Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."

"Coke and rum?"

"Nah, just coke."

The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"

Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy.

"No distractions."

"Exactly."

The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."