How to be a Clown

Chapter 1 Appearance is Everything!

So you have taken the first step by reading this. I'll say it again "Appearance is Everything!" That's why it is the title of my first chapter. The most important thing about being a clown is your appearance. It lets people know who and what you are. Without it you are nothing more than a layman in pedestrian clothes. Some people say about having a clown heart, being funny, and altruistic. Lies! All lies! They are wrong! Many of these people tend to contradict themselves anyway. They seem to be the first person to tell you about how bad you look.

You need to think of your audience. Audience? What audience? Your audience is mostly the other clowns. Your clown peers. They will be judging you usually; solely on your appearance. They might have not even seen you perform. They will see you and say "That clown has a bad look and that means they suck." You need to be a clown's clown. "How do you do that?" you ask. You just need to have something bigger and better than the next clown. It's like keeping up with the Joneses in the clown world. Nobody is gonna care if you have the performance value of a rock. As long as you look good that's all that matters. I recommend not showing your clown face in public until you have a decent clown look.

You need to look like a clown from head to toe. Literally.

One of the most important pieces of your look is your costume. You need the best costume money can buy. Even if it is a $50-$90 Halloween costume because well everybody has to start somewhere. Or so they say... But then it is eventually a waste of money unless you like wasting money. Nobody will take you seriously and you need to upgrade. You need a good costume not a jumpsuit those are seen as antiquated, and you will be looked down upon by the other clowns if you do wear them. They scream "unprofessional and Halloween" clown. Thrift store clothes are looked down upon too. You need a great costume either from one of the clown costumers or from a tailor or seamstress.

Besides the costume part the nose is just as important. It's another major signifier to let others know that you are a clown. Who wears painted noses anymore? Those went out with the one piece jumpsuit in the clown fashion world. None of those plastic pinchy ones they are just as bad. No foam noses either those scream "Amateur!" They are good for giveaways though. You need a good nose; an expensive nose. Proknows and Jim Howle are best. There are also string noses by Acme. Or you could pick up a nose tip.

The rest of the face is important too. There are many styles of face. The three most common ones are whiteface, auguste, and hobo. The whiteface wears a white base makeup on their face. The auguste wears a ruddy or pink colored base makeup. The hobo makes up their face to look like a hobo with stubble on their face and a sunburnt look.

Don't forget the rest of your head. It is recommended not to use your real hair if it is some boring and pedestrian color like brown or grey. You may be able to get away with it if your hair is dyed a fun wacky color like blue or pink. Or get yourself a nice professional wig. None of that Halloween store stuff. Or your hair will look like a tangled mess. Rainbow afro wigs are the worst of the worst. Yak hair wigs are the best in quality because they are made from real hair.

The feet. Do not wear plain normal sized shoes; no dance slippers, no Converse, no painted shoes, or anything else of the kind. You need really big feet. Do not use plastic costume shoes. That is just party store Halloween costume garbage. Crocs are acceptable because it is hard to drive a car in big clown shoes. Funtasma and Clown Mart are good for starter shoes. Spears are the creme de la creme of clown shoes.

"When people see size 18 EE shoes, they think 'clown!' Clown shoes are probably the single most notable piece of clowns."