"You have to stop doing that."
"Stop doing what?"
"Saying things that make me want to kiss you when I can't."
Becoming the prince's personal bodyguard should be a dream come true, shouldn't it? Good pay, palace life, but the real gem that ever...
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"Please stay."
I freeze.
"W-What?" I stammer, confused.
"Please don't leave me behind." He pleads fretfully, squeezing my hand even tighter and I flinch.
As if realisation had just dawned on him, he lets go impulsively and starts averting his eyes from me. "I'm sorry," he mumbles and guilt is written all over his face.
He retracts his hand swiftly and rests his fist on the tabletop. His veins are popping out of his hand, his knuckles are turning white and his nails are digging into his palm as he clenches his fist. I notice his hands quivering and his breath hitches. He seems anxious. Fearful, almost.
I bite my bottom lip in unease. Something feels terribly wrong.
Casimir isn't like himself. He complimented me, apologised and even tried to be gentle.
He is being vulnerable.
Perhaps I might not be able to speak for everyone else but it is very out of his character to be like that. Especially around me.
What is it that has disheartened him to such an extent? What did he mean by the worst of the worst had happened? There has to be something that I am missing out on. Or is this just another one of his little tricks to get me to sympathise with him or perhaps to distract me?
I inhale deeply, trying to rid my mind of the endless possibilities.
After contemplating for what felt like an eternity, I hesitantly take a seat beside him. Uncertain if I should look at him, I stare at my hands while fidgeting with my fingers.
"I'm here. I won't leave." I assure him and continue to play with my fingers, unsure of his reaction as I refuse to look at him.
Something in me is begging desperately for me to leave so that I would not have to put myself in such an awkward situation. Yet, I just could not bring myself to walk away from him. Somewhere in me wanted to understand him. To see the good in him which his own people could not. To accept him as the heir to Acreria and maybe a part of me wanted to believe that we could see past our differences despite his absolute hatred for me. Especially after choosing to risk his father's life before his eyes.
On hindsight, he must have felt helpless then considering how he did not have a say in his father's heedless decision. He does have every right to be mad at me. After all, if I were him, I'd probably feel the same way. It was a selfish choice of mine to pick my job over someone's life. Regardless of how I defend myself, there is no excuse for my decision and my action. It was ethically wrong of me.
Is that why I am staying behind? Is it guilt in action?
Perhaps.
I suppose somewhere in me is hoping to be forgiven for something that I cannot forgive myself for.
