A Series Of Journal Entries To Give You Crippling Depression

December 5th

I decided to sit with Anna. Everything was going good, we were talking, we were laughing, we were having a good time. Her friends and I talked as well, they're pretty cool. Everything was all fun and games until her friend, Emma, said "So how's Calvin?" For a moment I thought, who the fuck is Calvin?, then I realized it was this guy I know, Ethan. I kind of just tried to zone off but I couldn't. I wanted to hear what she had to say. So many questions running through my mind. "Is she talking to him?" "Does she like him?" "Is she trying to get with him?" "Does he like her?" They asked Anna, "Was it love at first sight?" She just giggled. I tried to sit there relaxed and I did. My heart was slowly shattering into a million pieces. I got chills. I smiled to pretend that everything was okay but honestly, I was hurt.
I tried so hard to build up a relationship with her and all it took for Calvin was a stare. 2 months of my life, gone in 2 seconds. 2 seconds that I wish I could forget. 2 seconds is all it took to break me down. I had only ever felt like this one other time in my life. I hoped for it to never happen again.... But it did. It always does. This time... It hurt worse than ever before. I'm fighting back the tears but it's hard. It hurts. I never wished to feel like this again. I was happy, I was genuinely happy again without the help of drugs or alcohol. My heart is once again broken. Soon, I will be crying. Lying on my bed with , tears in my eyes. Whispering to myself, "why... why again?" "why can't i be good enough??" Then tomorrow, I'll try to be okay but it will be
obvious I am not.
I'm listening to Marvin's Room by Drake and I can relate too much. "The women I would try is happy with a good guy" "Fuck that nigga that you love so bad." "I'm just saying you can do better" But honestly, he is better. He's a really good guy. Better than I would ever be. I'm in denial right now. I'll telling myself that this isn't going to happen but a part of me knows that it will. That part of me is the part that is telling me "get over it. You knew this was going to happen." The part that's in denial is saying "damn dude she's got a nigga now." How did this happen? I don't know I'm trying to figure it out myself. Why does this always happen to you? I don't know, stilling trying to figure that out too. When will you be happy again? I don't know... Probably never again.
Right now, as I sit on this couch with Frank Ocean, I think to myself, how could I possibly think it was a good idea to fall for a straight girl again? Wasn't 1 broken heart enough? What about the second one? Was that not enough to tell you, "Hey don't fuck with straight girls." Well obviously not because I'm at home crying for a girl who doesn't even think of me. But she's not just a girl. She is so much more to me. She's my angel, she's a queen, she's beautiful, she's smart, she's my motivation. But I guess that wasn't enough for her. I treated her like she was my girl. I tried to give everything I could. I tried my hardest for her. I stopped drinking, I stopped hurting myself, I stopped popping pills for her. But once again, that wasn't enough for her. It's never enough for anyone, is it....