MASK

Part 5

I lie flat on the bed staring at the ceiling, if I could have the power to, I could scream out so loud, it would leave a crack on the walls. That's how I feel right now, the pain and sadness inside me is killing me and I just want to scream out so loud and cry my heart out. I want to punch the wall angrily and do anything I can if it would make me feel better... I curl up on the bed holding my blankets closer to me, it's scary, feeling like one day everything is going to shatter makes me feel numb. Have you ever gone to bed feeling sad, and you suddenly start crying and remember everything that's wrong in your life and feel so sad you can hardly stop crying, you cry so much until you have to cover your mouth so nobody could hear you cry? Exactly, I've had those nights when I cried like that and then next morning it felt better, a lot better... but what's worse now is feeling like shit yet not being able to cry, because I have no idea why I feel like this, I have no reason to cry for, so all I want to do is to scream, scream and scream! Sometimes the worst place you can be in is your head, and that's where I am right now, overthinking things I never took seriously and it hurts, it hurts so damn much I can do nothing about it, it just makes my head pain and cause me worry and make me feel hopeless, I wish there was a way I could get out of it. The door to my room opens and I quickly close my eyes pretending to be asleep. I feel someone stroke my hair and I try hard not to react but my heart is hurting, my head is hurting, damn my whole body is hurting. "I know you aren't asleep Cookie, please talk to me" He says. I recognize his voice immediately, and its magical how much his voice makes me feel. I sit up and hug him directly without even looking at him and I cry, I cry because I don't know why I'm crying but it hurts and I don't know what hurts actually. "What's wrong cookie? You know you can always talk to me, I'll be here for you always" he says as he breaks the hug and looks me into the eyes. My tears don't stop, they keep rolling down my eyes and I no more care about them, there's nothing I could do about it anyway. "Tell me, what's wrong please" he says as he moved closer to me. "You wouldn't understand Arnav, it's nothing... I'll be fine until morning" "No you'll not be fine until you get help and I'm willing to help, tell me what is it that's disturbing you Cookie?" "I said nothing! Why don't you just leave me alone!" I shout at him angrily. He stares at me for a while and pulls me into his arms as he hold me tightly. "No matter what you do, I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong... please Khushi trust me for once and tell me what is it that's disturbing you?" "Disturbing me? Everything is disturbing me Arnav... it disturbs me to pretend to be happy in front of the whole world when all I want to do is lock myself up in a room and cry, only if that could help me feel better. It disturbs me that I feel as if I'm losing everything or I'm going to lose everything when all that I value is with me, then what the hell am I losing? It disturbs me that I don't know why I'm feeling this way, or maybe I do know but my mind doesn't want to accept it and I keep on looking for different reasons regarding this issue." "How exactly do you feel?" "I don't know, just that life doesn't feel worth it anymore, despite having everything, I somewhere feel like something is missing, like something isn't right somewhere... I don't want to live such kind of a life yet I want to live it because I have you now and I love you but this sadness I'm feeling is eating me up Arnav. I'm overthinking things, I feel like screaming, I just can't explain in words how I feel... I know you won't also understand me, it's difficult because I can't understand myself either." "Listen to me calmly and very carefully Khushi... I don't have any idea how bad that feels but I know it, I know what you're talking about and you aren't crazy for feeling that way. If you trust me please do as I say, I'm only trying to help you... look we both need to visit a doctor okay?" "Arnav, are you trying to say I'm becoming mad?" I ask as I pull myself from his hold and stand up angrily. "No Khushi, I'm not saying that... you know we have such a stupid small term for mental illness, no matter what kind we call it madness, but that's not the case okay? Believe me, you aren't mad, it's just some illness, and it would heal, we just need to see someone, you need to talk to them and get medications and I promise everything would be fine" "Are you sure Arnav?" "Yes I am, trust me please, I'm just trying to help you" I nod as I walk back to him and hug him, I hope he's right I hope I'd heal because feeling this way is terrible, having thoughts flooding your mind is terrible at the same time having and empty mind is terrible too.
"Khushi! Wake up" Arnav shakes me I try to open my eyes but it's so hard to wake up, I've been really oversleeping quite lately, no matter how much I sleep it's never enough. "Arnav, why are you waking me up this early?" "Remember we had a talk last night, I've got an appointment booked with a psychiatrist, we need to leave in half an hour, please wake up and get ready" "Do you think it's really going to help?" I ask as I stand up. "Yes, it will, now come on, hurry up I'm cooking some breakfast, you need to eat, do you realize you've lost quite some weight, were you on a diet?" "Not really, I guess it's the stress"
He hugs me and walks away while I head to take a shower... I don't even know if this is really going to help, I just hope it does, I'd do anything to feel better.