That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.
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Depression
Short Storydepression dɪˈprɛʃ(ə)n/ noun 1. feelings of severe despondency and dejection. "self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression" synonyms: melancholy, misery, sadness, unhappiness, sorrow, woe, gloom, gloominess, dejection, downheartedness...
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That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.