(how he saved) my soul

of memories and thunder

//RAYNE POV//

Sera keeps texting me and saying I should keep a journal so I don't go into depression. I think–hell, I know–it's too late, but Sera wants me to do it anyway. So here I am.

Sera's always been there for me. She was my neighbor since I was five. She was ten at the time. When my family moved into the house across the street from her and her dad, she marched up to greet us. Both my parents took an immediate liking to her and invited her to come over any time. I was not happy with them at first, just because I was shy. But within three months, she became like an older sister to me (I'm an only child).

She taught me about not being afraid of who I am. When I asked what she meant, she explained that she was asexual. She explained it to my six-year-old self by saying she didn't have crushes on anyone, and she was fine with that. That's just who she was. She told me that I could love anyone I wanted, and people would accept it as long as I did. She wasn't completely right.

Every day after school, I would rush home from the bus stop to meet Sera, who always stood waiting for me at the end of my driveway. She would ask me, every day, "Find anyone?" and I would reply "No, not yet." Then we'd move on to other topics. This routine stayed the same until fourth grade. I don't know why it happened. One day after school, Sera asked the question, and I answered, "I think boys are cuter." Sera grinned and congratulated me.

It took me about a year to muster up the courage to tell my parents. Sera encouraged me, but she didn't pressure me. If I felt uncomfortable, she sensed it and started talking about her life. She hated living with her dad, so she was planning on running away. Living a life without my parents was a foreign thought, so it always gave me a thrill when I helped Sera with her rebellious plans. Eventually, around the end of fifth grade, I worked up the courage to tell my parents that I was gay. I asked Sera if she could come with me, but she said I had to do it on my own.

It was three days until my eleventh birthday when I told my parents "I like boys." I remember my dad smiled widely and said, "That's wonderful Rayne! It was very brave of you to tell us. We'll always love you for who you are." I felt warm pride in my chest, and I remember thinking, Sera was right! Then I looked at my mother. Her jaw was clenched. She smiled, but not before I saw how unhappy she was. She looked at my dad and said, "May I speak with you?" He nodded, stood up from the couch, patted my back, and went upstairs, following my mother. After a minute, I followed them, carefully looking around the doorway. I remember they were both standing at the top of the stairs, talking in low but angry tones.

"This is unacceptable!" I can still hear my mother's voice, all these years later. "How dare you allow this! Our son is . . . our son is tainted!"

"Bridget," my father pleaded. "You knew I was bisexual when you married me. What's the difference with Rayne?"

"You married me, Ryan. That's the difference. You showed you were stronger than this . . . ailment! If he's gay, he can't change like you did!"

"Bridget!" I remember my dad shouting grabbing my mother's shoulders. "Just because I married you, it doesn't change who I am!"

"Then get the hell away from me, you lying bastard!" I remember my mother pushed my father hard. I remember looking on in horror as he fell down the stairs. And I remember the sound his neck made when it broke against the wall with a snap.

That was six years ago. My mother left to go whore around the country with rich men to stay away from law enforcement just a day after she killed my father. She didn't even seem fazed. I stayed in my room, scared to come out. But Sera was there every day, bringing me food that I always turned down. She kept telling me this wasn't my fault, but I know it is. If I hadn't told my mother I was gay, my dad would still be alive. I couldn't live with myself.