Heartland

Chapter Four.

*trigger warning. Themes of self harm*

Chapter Four: Another Day of Explaining.

I woke up the same way I fell asleep. In Ty's arms. I sat up and so did he.
"I didn't wake you up did I?" I asked.
"No," he replied. Ty grabbed my arms.
"I need to ask you something," he said.
"What?" I asked confused.
"What did you mean by 'my knife and I became close'?" he asked.
"I don't like to talk about it," I replied, ashamed.
"You can tell me anything," he encouraged.
"I used to cut myself. I went through a two year long depression. I tried killing myself and I was hospitalized," I admitted. I couldn't look at him. I kept looking down at my arms, so ashamed of what I had done.
"How did you try killing yourself?" he asked.
"Pills, lots of pills. The doctors flushed them out of my system before I completely overdosed," I replied as I started to cry.
"Tara," Ty said as he grabbed my chin and made me face him. "I'm here now, and I will never let you do anything like that to yourself again."
"Traumatic events are what trigger me Ty. Sometimes I can't handle it and I just crash. There's no way to stop it," I explained. I didn't want him to expect too much out of me.
"What was the traumatic event that made you start this?" he asked.
"I was raped by the boyfriend that I stabbed, I was thirteen. He raped me once and then the second time was when I stabbed him. I started cutting myself the day after it happened. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with his baby," I confided in him. I started shaking and trembling just thinking of everything.
"What happened with the baby?" He asked, he grabbed onto my hand and held me tight. Ty really knew how to make me feel better. Although I hated talking about what I'd been through, talking to him helped me.
"Nine months later I had a baby girl, Maisie Rose Cohan. She was adopted by my grandma and grandpa that lived in New York. That was the last time I talked to them, and the last time I saw her. I hope that me being a mom doesn't change anything between us," I said.
"It doesn't," he replied.
"It was written in the adoption papers that when my grandparents die Maisie can come live with me, or when she thinks she's ready, or my grandparents think she's ready," I added.
"Just hearing all this makes me care for you even more," Ty admitted. He didn't say that he loved me, but at least I knew he cared.

I didn't eat breakfast this morning. I just fed the horses and cleaned out their stalls. Amy had left for school, Peter and Lou were out baby shopping, Jack and Ty went to the police station to get all our stuff out of evidence, so that meant I was home alone. I sat on the clean bedding in Sky's stall, I could feel my knife in my back pocket. I couldn't hold my feelings in any longer. I was done. I took the knife out of my pocket and flipped open the blade. I played with the point a bit. The next decision I made was one I was going to regret. I pressed the knife deep into my wrist. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the stall door. I felt the blood ooze out of the two inch slit. With my eyes still closed, I closed my blade and put it back in my pocket.

After a few minutes of relaxing I felt my heart rate quicken. I opened my eyes and panicked. My whole left arm was covered with blood. The blood was on my skinny jeans as well. I stood up too fast and fell back down, dizziness struck from the blood loss. The dark red liquid spewed from my arm. I put my hand on the cut to try and stop the bleeding. I stood up and went to the barn office. There had to be something in here. I didn't see anything so I ran to the house. I stumbled and fell a few times on the way. I was still dizzy and faint. I ran into the bathroom where I found gauze pads and medical wraps. I put the gauze pad on the cut and tied the wrap as hard and tight as I could around my wrist with one hand. I crawled to the bathtub with a washcloth in my hand. I scrubbed the access blood from my arm. I was still too dizzy and with the gauze turning red fast, I just hoped Ty would be home soon. I didn't want to die. I just wanted to hurt.

Ty had my hat in his hand ready to get it back to me as he and Jack were on their way back from getting all our things out of evidence at the police station. They had been gone for a little over an hour. They finally drove past the Heartland arch.
"I'm worried about Tara," Ty said to Jack.
"Why's that?" Jack asked.
"She told me the story about her trying to kill herself after she was raped and found out she was pregnant," Ty replied.
"I remember when her parents called me about that night. It was horrible. They left for two hours and came back to a passed out half dead Tara in Sky's stall with a positive pregnancy test in one hand and a container of empty pain pills in the other. They rushed her to the hospital in time to save Tara and the baby," Jack said.
"I'm so worried about her though. She pulled a knife out on one of those guys and cut his neck, not enough to kill him, but still," Ty worried.
"She acted on self defense and that was a choice that saved both your lives," Jack reassured. "
Yeah you're right," Ty gave up.