the shadows of my phone screen had cast a faint glow on the pictures of us hanging on the walls of my room. i glanced at them with a faint smile that soon disappeared as i checked my phone again, the screen still open and waiting on our chat for a reply from you.
our date was untouched in the living room.
a fort made of blankets filled with snacks, drinks, and dvd cases for us to choose from was sitting empty and untouched in the dark. it looked as lonely and deserted as i felt.
i would have accepted an excuse rather than silence.
in hindsight, i shouldn't have sent you messages every ten minutes asking you where you were. not for the worry of being too clingy, but because that's when the strain started. i should have left it, over looked it. the static on your end of the line had been happening for a while now with me on the other end trying to pull a dangerous storm disguised as a charming boy closer to me with all of my will power.
i had my ringer at the highest volume to alert when you finally would answer. you usually never did until you felt like it.
this time was different. you answered finally, 4 hours after our scheduled date. your reply was honest, at least. a simple, "sorry i didn't come over. i didn't feel like it."
i replied with a simple, "its okay, next time (:"
my chest hurt after that. a slight ache that pulses throughout your body. it starts in the middle of your chest and makes its own paths to your fingertips, toes, and then gets lodged in your throat making the truth harder to swallow.
remembering the tedious task of trying to construct a fort from thin sheets with the foundations of my couch, a couple dinner table chairs, and the coffee table. in that moment i remembered the effort of trying to get the sheets to stay on the table with heavy items and using too much of the material to tie itself to the chairs. the careful planning to set the blankets and pillows inside with just enough space to stretch out but still be in proximity to feel the ebb and flow of your body as you breathed.
over the phone you never complained. you responded with short and straight to the point text messages. face to face it was different. you got angrier and angrier the more i told you about things that hurt me and angriest when i wanted to talk about these subjects.
inconvenienced and irritated is how i would describe you at that time.
inconvenienced that i had always brought up our rapidly increasing problems.
irritated that you had to deal with them, maybe just irritated that you had to deal with me.
i wished that was the worst that our relationship had been.
