Faith

Wattpad lets my words free

Can I say something?

All my life I've wanted to be the best I could be... See I try and act like I can fit in with anything. I try to buy designer clothes get my hair cut a certain way... But it never does anything, I always try to compete so it makes it seem like I can do things just like everyone else. I keep asking myself who am I? I'm not talented, I'm not smart, I'm not the most athletic, I'm not the bravest, baddest,  tallest, thinnest, sharpness, wealthy, know my scales, knows the difference between flats and sharps, I don't have the friends that aren't there when I really need them the most ; I do about everything myself such as, Getting a job to pay a debt I owe, buy all my designer clothes, get my hair cut a certain way to look like everyone else. It's basically all done by me, what I don't get is why do I constantly try to be the best... I have to learn myself in order to get where I am today... I either lose some or I barely get some... It's just a constant struggle/war between myself and everything else. It may be a joke when someone says  to me no ones likes you, sup fag, loser, homo, but when I hear that I play it off and just laugh with them, but that's not something I'm happy about. I can't stop it because once someone stops two more people start and it goes on and on. The times I pretended to be suicidal just for attention was for reason only: I never got to see any of you... It was mostly rare to see anyone, you guys were either too busy for me or cancel last minute and then hangout with each other... I understand that I am annoying I understand that I'm honestly nothing compared to you guys... But that's not why I'm typing  this. I'm typing this because every time I think that I'm good I always think about what I've done and makes me think... How are you still friends with them... It's because I have no one else to turn to if we weren't friends... But the thing is... All of you don't have to work to get anything.... I do... My life is a barring waste land with very little salvation.... I always blamed myself for acting this way.... But I always remember all the hurtful things people have said... Such as "we have only one class" I always get hurt hearing that from that same person... Because I remember last year we had no classes just lunch and we made the best of it... Now that doesn't even matter to you does it? I was there when she Broke up with you the 2nd time not the first because I was everywhere, but I was there the 2nd time, but I can't seem.to remember when you were there for me... When I posted something saying I wasn't okay I'd always hoped you'd say something to me to help me... But you didn't... You never did... So I think to myself why do I help someone that can't help the way I help them? It just shows the little importance I have in your life  I honestly don't understand how I make it through the day without thinking about this too much... What would you say if I did move? My parents have been talking about how when my brother graduates we are moving... But why would they do that to me when Hanover is all I know.... It makes me shiver thinking that I won't be returning back at all. I over think things.... And this is why I'm writing this because I'm over thinking and need to get it out... So when. I wake up tomorrow morning I will be normalish because I have said what I have needed to say a long long time