High And Dry

How To Disappear Completely

i know that a lot of fanfics have songs that go with each chapter, and sometimes, when done well, it's good, but other times it's ridiculously cheesy. however, most of my chapter titles don't match up very well with the song they're named after, and that's because they aren't supposed to go together like that.

i just really enjoy Radiohead, who wrote all the songs the chapters are titled for, and the song for the title of the book. Radiohead is absolutely genius. Their songs all strike different emotions that you didn't think you had. From power to depression to what the hell is a punchdrunk lovesick singalong(one of my favorites). Thom Yorke is the singer/songwriter of the band and he is a genius. I love all their songs, except Creep, which is the most popular. I'm tired of hearing that and seeing people post selfies with the lyrics.

however, this chapter title's song is absolutely beautiful and i seriously recommend you listen to it. it doesn't match up with the chapter, but it's beautiful and sad and i cried the first time i heard it. same with Fake Plastic Trees, which is Anthony's panic attack song.

so i advise you to listen to How To Disappear Completely, off the album Kid A, while reading this chapter just because it's so beautiful and it helps bring out the emotion I'm trying to show

            Ian gulped and looked down at his son.

            “Where is he? Why isn’t he over here?” Anthony played with the toy, “He’s always here. He disappeared.”

            He sure did disappear. No one knew where he went. Ian only prayed that David knew where he was going. He hoped that he would come back. He didn’t know what to do. He felt like death, which Ian found out was a very different feeling than dying. He knew this feeling very well, but he also knew that if he ever killed himself, Anthony would have no where to go. Of course, this heart break was not severe and he did not at all feel like killing himself. He felt like death.

            “He’s gone away for a bit, but he’ll be back. You can go see him at work tomorrow, okay?” Ian figured that David would at least show up for work, even if no one knew where he was.

            Anthony nodded, “Okay.”

            Ian hugged Anthony and picked him up to sit him on the table, “Daddy has something important to tell you, okay?”

            Anthony looked up at him.

            “You know how men get married to women?”

            He nodded.

            “Sometimes, men like other men that way.” He bit his lip.

            “You mean like them?” Anthony pointed at Matt and Josh.

            Ian nodded, “Yeah. Like that.”

            “Yeah. I know that. It’s pretty cool seeing that girls are stinky. Except Kalel.” Anthony looked worried, “Please don’t tell her I said girls were stinky.”

            “I won’t.” Ian ruffled his hair, “I just wanted to tell you that I like David that way.”

            “Are you marrying him?”

            Ian frowned, “Well, no. Not yet. I can’t find him.”

            Anthony nodded, playing with his monkey, “You guys could get married tomorrow.”

            “Uh, buddy, I met David like a week ago, and also, there is a step down from marriage called ‘dating.’”

            “You and Newbie should date.”

            “We are.”

            Anthony smiled, “Good.”

            Matt piped up, “You and Kalel should-”

            “Girls are stinky, Uncle Matt!” Anthony huffed and crossed his arms, looking down to hide his face, but Ian could tell that he was bright red, “Don’t tell her about dating. And don’t tell her I said girls were stinky. I don’t want her to think I don’t like girls.”

            “It’ll be our secret.” Matt grinned.

            Anthony smiled at him, “Thanks Uncle Matt.”

            “Anytime, Little Man.”

            Ian saw Anthony cringe a little. That’s what David had grown used to calling him.

            “I’m not little.” He pouted.

            “No, you’re a big boy, but you’re a little man. See? You aren’t really a boy, but you aren’t really a man.” Josh smiled.

            “Oh.” Anthony returned to his happy usual self, “I get it.”

            That night, Ian put Anthony in bed. He called David, and there was no answer. He called him again, and in the middle of a ring he was sent to voicemail, as if David had intentionally cancelled the call.

            He looked at his reflection in the mirror.

            Ian was surprised. His hair looked flatter. There were bags under his eyes. His skin was pale and his eyes didn’t shine. Now, not only did he feel like death, he looked like it too. All the life had been taken out of him.

            “That’s not me.” He muttered.

            He sunk down to the ground. He curled up and hugged his knees to his chest, trying to keep everything inside him. Ian had only ever felt like this once before, and that was when Anthony was left at his dorm.

            The one he cared about was gone and left him for dead. The one he cared about had hung him out to dry. The one he cared about had disappeared completely.

He sat up straight, You can’t go on like this. Shape up. David may have destroyed you, but Anthony still needs a father. Be strong for Anthony. He needs you now more than ever. He had one father figure leave him; he can’t have another gone too. You can do this. You have to. For Anthony. Do it for Anthony.

Ian made a mental list of things he could do to keep both his and Anthony’s mind off David. He felt good for a few minutes before he was brought back down.

            Mari had left Ian a voicemail, “Do you know where David is? He’s not at home and he’s been gone for a few days now. He isn’t answering my calls. I’m worried sick. Please tell me if you know anything. Please.”

            Ian took a deep breath, trying not to have another asthma attack.

“I’m not here. This isn’t happening. I’m not here, I’m not here.” Ian repeated to himself over and over until he found this he was actually singing it.

He fell asleep on the floor muttering to himself.

“I’m not here….”