BURNT OUT

Part one: I was born in a ditch

People can come and go but no one really knows where we all end up. I was born in the ditches and the ditches I shall go back to one day. A shallow consuming hole, a void suited for me. I bit on the eraser of my pencil while the teacher in class lectured us on how we are adults and that we should start preparing ourselves for college. Adult? What exactly is that? Technically at times adults are more childlike than a damn child. I suppose in a sense children can be more ignorant. A child doesn't think of it's purpose in life. Ignorance is so blissful at a young age. Unlike myself I realized I never truly had a purpose and that everything is in vein.

The bell rang for lunch then everyone just like a swam of insects rushed to the door. I would rather stay in an unmovable chair since my spoiled body is placed on its wooden structure. A close friend of mine, Kate walked up to me. She looked into my mind as if she was brave enough to take on the whole world. She can't take on the whole world that is completely impossible. A human being can only take on so much of the world in a day.

"If you're going to self loathe at least do it in the lunch room with me Miles." her voice was soft yet cold.

"I'd rather waste my time elsewhere. I'm insane so where's the fun in mingling eh?" I replied sarcastically.

"Insanity can back pedal for at least twenty minutes right?" She gave me a smug look.

I stood up slowly to patronize her. It worked she was pretty pissed by the time we got to the lunch room. Watching others eat made my stomach roar in confusion. Part of me wanted to purge out but the other part of me was suffering starvation. Damned starvation. Kate gave me her bag of chips which was a strong opening to conversation while we sat at a filthy lunch table in a room where ease dropping is a way of life.

"So which one is it today? Maso, Sado, or depresso?" Kate twirled her light brown hair.

Kate's a very pale girl. She stands out with her light brown hair, pink bangs that part to the left side of her soft face, always wearing black, and her ability to intervene in anyone's business. I met her in middle school. She saw what I was and she wanted to learn, to grow. She gives out terms like she gives out cigarettes that are too soft on the lips but they have such a surreal burn.

"I'm more of an avoido today as if it's at all your business." I ate a chip.

"Avoido huh? That's a change. What are you avoiding today?"

"My humanity." I said jokingly. "I'm avoiding myself actually. I've decided that life's short so why not avoid my thoughts completely?"

"Life is an experience with a variety of things. I'm just waiting until Avoid is over. I know how you are, your mood will change in a blink of an eye." she smirked at the fact that she's gotten a little piece of me figured out.

I'm like a deck of cards. With every switch of a card there's a new mood. I'm as unstable as a man not knowing how to walk on a balance beam. All of a sudden a kid got tripped in the cafeteria by some no name jerk who started laughing about it. This no name will get a slap in the face perhaps by me. No one even bothers to help the small and thin guy that's now on the floor seriously? I got up and started helping him pick up his lunch.

"If I see you do that again I will not consider mercy. You will be cornered and punished do you understand asshole?" I looked at the no name.

"YeAh!! YEaH!! Wouldn't that be great? Why not smash his face in now? See the terror when he's bloody in the pavement. Watch him struggle and beg for forgiveness. SoUnDs LIKE FUn ehhh!" the voice inside me screamed.

Ignoring the voice I watched and waited but he wouldn't have the courage to challenge me. He also lacks experience in fighting for he is probably a freshman by the looks of it and how he's already shivering within his wrinkled clothes. I helped the thin guy up. I didn't much look at him before but man he's probably thinner then I am. I weigh one hundred and thirty so if I estimate he's probably around one hundred and twenty.