BURNT OUT

Part two: What must go up must fall down.

The rest of the day went by faster than expected. After earlier I feel better as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Everyone has a secret, a problem, an issue that they struggle with. No one is perfect. Perfection is a controversial word that to me is corrupted. It's as corrupted as watching a kid get bullied or fall down in despair. Corruption has various definitions in my personal experience. I've seen things and done things. I've seen a six year old say they want to give up on life, I've met people who have been abused, people that were used, souls that cried themselves to sleep every night, and many more.

I remember I met a kid who was five in a place that I myself can only describe as a painful mindset to be in. The world can be a painful place when you take into consideration all those suffering but no one ever truly does. The reason is because we all want to think everyone's happy and that we ourselves are doing fine.

"PAIN is EssEntiAL don't you know that? It's what brings us to the ground and BUILDS us UP. WE derive from pain and learn to use it. You used it earlier lovely. This rotting in hell feeling you have in the pit of YOUR stomach is needed. Take what you can get and never look back." he slithered around inside my head. After all, you aren't a good person so why hide behind a mask? Why not express how you feel? Indulge in life before it gets ripped out of your hands Miles."

I am nothing like that.

"But yet here we are." I can almost feel his wicked smirk.

You are just a ghost in my head.

"A ghost is real though isn't? Perhaps your insanity is swallowing you whole if you hOneStLy BELIEVE that I am such a thing."

Maybe I am going insane. My inner voice is practically screaming at me. When school ended I walked to the bus with Kate and now John. Kate always hangs out at my place after school which I'm used to but she asked John to tag along. This'll be interesting. We all walked to my house since it's in a three block radius of the school. I opened the front door to my small ranch house and let everyone in before me. No one's home since everyone's working. We all dropped our backpacks on the ground. On the way here Kate explained to John that whatever happens in my house stays there.

He won't understand at first but he will eventually. Kate slowly took her shirt off. John stared shocked. I sat down on the couch. She unbuttoned her pants then slid them down her legs. I watched intently while motioning John to come over and sit beside me. He didn't question it. He was practically pale from shock. Kate took his hands, placed them on her soft hips, then sat on his lap while pressing her chest against him. It's a shame really. To be letting her do whatever she wants isn't right but she likes being powerful so I don't let anything get in the way of that.

On the bright side it seems he's enjoying it. I got up to get a bottle of wine from the kitchen. My guilty pleasure I suppose. It's because when I drink I can let go of worries. I'm more laid back too. I popped a bottle open then took a big swig of it. The feeling of it running down my throat soothes me. I just want to collapse. I walked over to them and placed my hand on Kate's lower back. Sometimes I feel as though it would be better if I never existed. I've had to sit back and watch those closest to me fall to their knees. I've been in positions where I couldn't change a thing for someone else and knowing that brings sorrow into my mind. I've known what it's like to feel pleasure from watching others around crumble into pieces. I know regret. I know pain. Pain is something I hate to desire.

I went to my room as they had sex on my couch. Figures she slithered her way into him. Laying on my looking at the ceiling I close my eyes. Images of cutting into someone, images of watching myself commit suicide, images of accidentally getting angry and slapping someone across the face, and last but not least images of watching people die flashed through my mind in fast speed.

Worthless is how I feel. Pathetic is this very moment. Pain is a debatable desire. Unimportant is how I am because there are thousands of people on the earth besides me. Broken are my emotions. Emotions are strong as tidal waves that come crashing down. Exhausted are my eyes from watching everyone else pass me by. Scars are what have covered me from head to toe for years now. I've made so many wounds I don't think I could recall them all. From cuts, choking, suffocation, and other methods I have bruised myself severely. Memories are too painful to recall because I remember the times where I truly smiled and those are the most upsetting to me. Idiotic is what my going back and forth is. Pick a side but there isn't a side that I deeply without a doubt want to join. I don't want to be on any side. Suffering is what I have caused. Lazy is what I've grown to become. Filthy my mind is that very word. Disgusting is part of who I am.

Disgusting for liking my teacher. Disgusting for liking pain. Disgusting for not helping myself sooner. Disgusting for trying to save others because I haven't been able to save myself. Disgusting for not standing up for people in pain at school enough. Disgusting for starving myself then over eating and constantly going back and forth. Disgusting for letting others use my for sexual advances when part of me knew it was wrong and hated it. Disgusting for losing empathy at times for others. Disgusting for hurting others. Disgusting for fighting. Disgusting for letting others take advantage of me because I have no confidence nor do I have pride and that to me is my one flaw. Disgusting for liking hurting others at times. Disgusting for thinking of hurting animals. Disgusting for being what or who I am.

I wish I could rot in hell and get what I damn well deserve. No one knows the guilt I feel outweighs all chances for change. If they do know and believe I'm a good person then they are truly ignorant. I feel guilt for all the actions, the choices I have made in life. I feel guilt for being naïve and letting people touch me sexually even though I was uncomfortable and I wished to say no to myself and to them. I feel guilt for dragging down others around me. I know everyone has grown tired of me. My family has admitted they are tired of me. I feel guilt for thinking the way I do. I envy others at times because I want to feel normal. I crave normalcy but normalcy doesn't truly exist.