SATURN | PHILKAS ONE SHOTS

break [angst]

FOR ALL OF YOU ANGST SEEKERS!!
I made my poor philkas heart cry, maybe
I'll make yours cry too... (:

dedicated to semi_problematic bc she's trash for fics like these and aggronite bc apparently she likes my trashy writing.

pairing: philip shea x lukas waldenbeck
fandom:
word count: 2500+ (sorry, I got a lot carried away.. (: )
prompt: they fight and make up, it's just what they do.

Lukas had barely even makes it over the threshold of their shared apartment, bags in hand, when Philip enters the room. The wide grin plastered on Lukas's face didn't go unnoticed, nor did the way it faltered go unseen when he saw Philip's glum expression.

"What's wrong?" His voice is quiet, moving to shut their front door.

"I can't do this anymore."

The words are spoken after a long silence, somehow managing to sound soft, but determined, and harsh all at once. Philip's vision is clouded by the water brimming his eyes but he wouldn't let the dam he'd built cave. Lukas takes a step forward, reaching out but Philip forces himself back and shakes his head.

"We are you talking about?" His voice is uncertain, not bothering to conceal the pain he felt. He knows what's coming and that it's his fault, he won't deny it if you ask. He knew it would happen eventually but he didn't expect it so soon. "Philip-"

"No," Philip all-but declared as he felt a fire he had only experienced one other time before burn bright in the pit of his stomach. "I can't do this, Lukas." He repeats, more forceful this time, voice breaking off toward the end with the pain he felt betraying him. Philip's eyes squeeze shut and the water begins to make it's way down his cheek. This makes Lukas want to reach out and wipe it away, but he knows better at this point. Another lull of silence came over the apartment and Philip let out a small distraught sigh, running a hand through his hair.

"Whatever it is, I'm sure we can work it out." Lukas tries but Philip just shakes his head again and moves into the kitchen.

"It's not just that I can't do this." He leans against the counter and rubs a hand over his face, tired and worn from the conversation. "I don't want to do this anymore." The words are like knives, ripping at Lukas's very soul. He is taken aback, head hanging low as Philip sniffled a few feet away from him.

"What are you talking about?"

"You're never here!" Philip shouts, pushing himself away from the counter to stand directly in front of his boyfriend, a gasp leaving Lukas's lips. Philip never really shouts or yells and when he does it's always startling because then you know and understand that you've done something extremely wrong. "You're always at races, and when you are here I'm just waiting for the moment you tell me you're gonna leave again. I can't even enjoy having you here anymore because I'm counting the days, the minutes, until you have to leave again because at least when you're gone, I'm too distracted by missing you to even think about why I should hate you. And I feel like I should, but I can't." Philip can feel himself teetering over the edge, on the verge of a break down and Lukas knows this as he watches Philip turn around and turn on the faucet, pulling out a chair at the table and placing his head in his hands as he sits down.

"Philip," Lukas's voice is soft and fragile while he speaks and wants nothing more than to walk over toward the table, but he stands there, not knowing what else to do or say. "This is hard on me too, ya know. You really think I'd rather be at races, surrounded by a bunch of idiots on dirt bikes, than here with you?"