Somewhere over the...

I screamed. My voice echoing around the dull concrete walls rang back to me twice as loud. As if the bricks themselves were yelling my words. But no one could hear it; no one could ever hear it. I bellowed louder in frustration and crashed my curled and tensed fist into the brick wall. I ignored the hot flaring pain that began to instantly sting and throb in my fist as the cracked skin began to bleed deep red.

“HATE IT!” My fist smashed again into the wall, impacting roughly on the bones in my fingers, sending shock waves that travelled through my shaking body. I smashed harder and harder, both fists working at the bricks like a punching bag. Dipping blood began to pour through my split skin and trailed down my arm. I couldn’t care less.

I smashed and crashed and lashed out on the unsuspecting piece of building. I punched until my hands became numb, then my arms, then I did. My weak form backed into the wall I had been abusing and slid brokenly down, the rough edges grabbing onto the shirt’s fibres making it impossible to land gracefully but in more of a jerky fashion. I cradled my aching arms rocking the damaged body part back and forth as if that would take away any of the hurt.  

“I hate it.” I whispered inaudibly and banged my head roughly against the wall. Multiple times, muttering that same phrase over and over again as If was praying for it to walk out of my mouth and go do something about itself. I couldn’t stand how much it controlled me, as if my own body wasn’t mine. As if it was consumed by another presence, possessed by a demon that wasn’t me. I felt so alien. I was alien.

“I can’t –I- I can’t….” My wobbly voice bore down into bitter dry sobs as words just didn’t seem enough anymore. Neither did pain. Nothing could take away the feeling of being alone. Trust me, I had tried. Maybe not hard enough. The sobs wracked my body harder and my shoulders shook with an abrupt force. My legs curled , knees facing upwards as I leaned my swollen pounding head into them, feeling no warmth. I closed my eyes and welcomed the bubble of darkness that came with it.

I hadn’t noticed how cold the night had become. It was crisp and freezing, the moon hidden by the thick black storm clouds brewing. The wind slashed coldly, harshly and mercilessly. My sobs grew shorter, the shaking began to be caused by the cold – not my own self – and my limbs stopped stinging and became a numb throb in the back of my mind. I knew how pathetic I must have looked. A ball of snot, blood, loneliness and hate twisted up under the vacant park bridge. The storm was a sign for me. Of how pathetic I was. How I had failed so dramatically.

I sucked in a huge breathe of air, enjoying the coolness as it flowed down through my throat to lungs, sniffed strongly and hoisted myself up carefully. I used the wall as a back-up since my hands were practically useless and wiggled myself into a crooked standing position.

Even doing that small activity exhausted me out. I’m so tired. Not just physically, but mentally. I’m tired of humans and their complications, I’m tired of not understanding, I’m tired of been rejected, I’m tired of never fitting in, I’m tired of trying. The strain to fit into this goddamn society is what made me so tired. And angry. And sad. And hurt.

I raised my head from the ground, long strands of hair covered my view and I swept it away then cringed at the use of my arm. Life is like a constant game of cat and mouse. It dominates our life’s, and don’t deny it. Everything we do – the way we dress, walk, talk, live and work – all depends on a psychological need to fit in. Blame natural selection, it’s in the blood to survive, to be the strongest. And packs are apparently stronger, what’s is I always seem better on my own.

As these thoughts were chewed through my mind I had begun slowly walking down the knobbled pathway. The yellow brick road oddly popped into my thoughts. “I wonder where it will lead me.” I whispered to the wind.  Though I already knew.

“Somewhere over the rainbow,” I began to sing under my breath. It was a sweet song I found quite likening on this world. Lightning cracked as the storm clouds finally decided to move along. The sharp wind grew savage and rain pelted down. I still wasn’t used to rain, the spatters of water used to make me run for cover, but this rain didn’t bother me at all. Air grew rigged and tense, so thick a steel knife couldn’t cut through it. I continued to walk; cradling my damaged hands and gazing straight forward.

“Wake up where the clouds are far behind me,” The storm grew thicker, more focused until vision became obsolete, the mass ahead swirled and morphed like airborne play-dough. If you looked close enough you would see the small tones of liquid silver mixed into the stormy black hole-like quantity barely the width of a park bench, but as tall as infinity.

I stopped singing and stared at the forming bulk calmly, even though my surroundings were everything but. Pursing my lips, the sweet and cheerful melody of the song rang out, only to be greedily consumed by the gale. I took a step forward. Then another. And another. Moving as graceful and in-control as if dancing Swan Lake. My battered hand reached out, held by new strength and lightly touched the pixelated mass only for my fingers to draw straight through and seemingly dissolve.

 I drew closer and walked calmly, yet confidently forward, in a practiced manner of one who has done it many times before. Never glancing back. The force swallowed my body whole - as a starving man would if offered food – voraciously lapping up every evidence of my being. It was time to go home.

Then disappeared. Abruptly and inhumanly. The wind gone, the storm gone, the clouds, the tones of silver and the girl all gone. The park returned to normalcy – as if it had never been touched by an abnormal presence. Night is now quiet. Except….for the fragments of a cheerful song left to float calmly in the breeze. It clung to the night sky before drifting away. A last remnant of the failed human.

“And the dreams that you dare to dream. Really do come true.”