Chasing pavements

Kabanata 7: Chase the Pavement

Nagkalat ang gamit sa condo ko. Last night ay hinagis ko ang lahat ng mahawakan ko at wala akong pakialam kung masugatan man ako sa bubog na dulot ng mga nabasag na gamit ko. Ang mahalaga sakin ay mailabas ko ang lahat ng sama ng loob ko dahil ang bigat-bigat ng nararamdaman ko. Wala akong tamang kain. Wala akong ligo. I was a total mess. My phone's dead. I don't open my mail. I don't log in to my facebook. I was literally isolated from the world. Siguro maraming missed calls and text na rin sa aking phone. The last call I had was to inform the university that I' rendering my indefinite leave. My friends are probably pissed at me for not showing up sa charity ball na inorganize ni Rina. But the hell I care. I'm grieving right now. Hindi ko kayang tanggapin ang sinabi sa akin ni Xander.

"...but I think I need space. I need to think things over Via. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

Akala ko forever na kami, akala ko kasal na lang ang kulang sa amin. Puro lang pala ako akala. I was building my dream around him, unti-unti kong binubuo sa aking isipan at puso ang pamilya namin ni Xander. Habang si Xander ay hindi na pala sigurado sa kanyang nararamdaman.

Nakasalampak lang ako sa sahig ng kitchen. Tulala, crumbs of biscuits were all over me, I just ate what can reach para magkalaman lang ang tyan ko. my eyes were swelling from crying. Pakiramdam ko wala ng katapusan ang pagluha ko, kinakapos na ako ng hininga sa sobrang pag-iyak pero binalewala ko ito. Kasalanan ko nga talaga siguro kung bakit nawalan na ng gana sa akin si Xander.

Hindi nya derechang sinabi na wala na kami, but the fact na sanabi nyang he need to think things over, meant that he doesn't love me as much as before. And the truth felt like a train that hit me hard. Really hard. Ang mas masakit pa ay wala man lang explanation, why. I was sentenced to death without due process. It was an extrajudicial killing, I may say. He did not give me the chance to do something. He just walked away, away from my face, away from my heart, away from my life. Hindi ko man lang sya mahabol.

Sa sobrang pagod na nararamdaman ko, ay kinain na ako ng antok. Unti unti na akong nahiga sa malamig na tiles na aking kinauupuan. I lay down on my side while embracing my legs towards me. Para akong fetus na naghahanap ng kalinga ng ina. Never did I imagine killing myself, but ngayon gabi I was more than willing to do anything para mawala na sa mundong ibabaw. The pain was intolerable. I'm alive but I'm dying.

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The sun was shining bright when I opened my eyes. Hindi ba alam ng araw na nagluluksa ako? Bakit ba parang nagbubunyi pa sya? Nanatili lang akong tulala sa kawalan at hindi kumikilos. Ilang sandali pa ay walang gana akong bumangon.

Tumayo ako sa pagkakahiga sa sahig at pagod na pagod na pumasok sa aking kwarto. Nahiga sa aking kami, and before I realize it I started crying again.

"Why do I need to suffer like this? Ano bang kasalanan ko?" I asked.

Have you ever felt so miserable and pained that the only escape is sleep? Sana di na lang ako magising. Sana panaginip na lang ang lahat ng ito. Sana isang masamang panaginip. Isang Bangungot. Na sa pagising ko ay wala lang pa lahat.

Pilinit ko ulit matulog dahil pakiramdama ko pagod na pagod ako kahit nga ba halos tulala lang ako at hindi gumagalaw. Every time I close my eyes, I can still vividly recall what he said to me...

"...but I think I need space. I need to think things over Via. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

"...but I think I need space. I need to think things over Via. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."