A Particularly Lovely Life, Despite the Stigma

September 29, 2016

I was recently 16, and recently single.

I know, you're all probably groaning to yourself because I'm bringing a teenage relationship, which in the end, won't matter, into the mix. Believe me, you aren't the only one groaning.

Regardless of your audible sound effects, I'm going to explain why this teenage relationship played a key role in my struggle with mental illness.

I "dated" my best friend, of roughly a year, for a whole whopping two months. For a hormonal girl who was nearly 16 years of age, that was a big deal... I can't even exaggerate my point here. We ended our relationship after a dramatic couple of weeks, and even though I knew it was coming, Lil Hannah wasn't quite smart enough, nor strong enough, to surf the aftershocks.

It hurt terribly. I cried a lot. You know, those body-wrenching sobs that make you ache? Yep.

I was hit or miss at school the week of our breakup. I burst into tears randomly in class. For a girl who was generally able to control her stress and moods after years of practice, this spoke volumes...

I'd like to discuss the "layering effect". It has been described to me by a few influential people in my life. In fact, I am a prime example of how this effect can be enough to send someone over the edge.

This effect can be compared to the many tiers of a wedding cake, or if you'd like a less pleasant example, an onion.

The psychology behind this effect, as I've researched, is comparable to the science of an 'exploding' soda can. Pressure builds, builds, builds, until the vessel cannot withstand the force, and it bursts.

That's what repeatedly happened (and happens) to me. And that is exactly what happened in the days following this detrimental teenage breakup.

Mental health in teenagers is easily influenced by their social life, as I've learned.

Post-breakup, my confidence was at an all-time low. The sadness I allowed to overcome my heart permeated my judgement as well, and I made some unwise decisions.

Grief turned to guilt, guilt turned to shame, and shame turned to lust. Lust of possessions, lust of people, lust of experiences.

By now, I'm sure you can understand how the layering effect took a stronghold on me during this time. Regardless, I'm about to break it down in embarrassing detail.

Sadness brought on some mild stupidity, and I had two layers.

To coexist with my sadness and mild stupidity, I brought overthinking and anxiety into the mix. Then I had four layers.

My sadness, mild stupidity, overthinking and anxiety were clearly unhappy with their company, so my life happily obliged to bring family strife into the equation. Then there were five.

Compile all of these layers, and then some, into one hot mess (or wedding cake, if you're still thinking of that example) that was myself, and you had a recipe for self-destruction.

These many layers eventually became too heavy to bear, and while taking a standardized test, I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt physically sick. My head was cloudy. Things weren't making sense. I quickly left the testing room and went to the clinic, in hopes for some sort of answer as to why I was feeling so terrible, though I wasn't factoring my mental health into this progress.

Several hours later, I wound up in the emergency room.

My blood pressure was dangerously elevated, I was nauseous, and I had a headache straight from hell. I managed to keep a well-rounded sense of humor, though, thanks to some comical (and attractive) medics. Precisely, I remember saying the words "Everybody wants my pee", due to the high demand for a urine sample in the ER.

I stayed overnight at the hospital for a few days after that, just so my doctors could lower my blood pressure, and narrow down some possible causes.

But everything was fine.

The common causes of hypertension (high blood pressure) are unfortunate genetics, and any issues regarding the kidneys or the endocrine system.

While my family does have a history of hypertension, nobody had such extremely raised levels at the age of 16. It was an anomaly.

The thing about mental health issues is that nobody wants to diagnose them right away. Doctors want to review any and every possible cause for physical health issues, before examining mental health. In result, I was told for weeks that my doctors had absolutely no idea what was up with me. Much like my pee, my blood was in high demand, and I was getting bloodwork drawn often.

Results came back fine.

As the list potential reasons for my physical health issues began to decrease, my primary doctor decided it was finally time to examine my mental health, which I, ironically, fought for a while.