Other People's Heartache

Making Things Worse

I try to fall asleep when I get back to my flat, but my mind is still racing about what happened with Dan earlier this evening. I just don't know what to do. I really like Dan, and apparently Lizzy was right and he likes me too, but I guess I just don't understand why he likes me. I'm nobody special, just a girl trying to make her way up the corporate ladder. I've never really been very down on myself, but I've never really been very confident in myself either, at least not in the social sense.

I've been lying here for a while and when I finally look over at my clock I find that it is almost 5:30 in the morning. I'm not going to get any sleep tonight so I might as well get up now. I drag myself out of my bed and then into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. As soon as my tea is ready and cooled enough to drink, I sit down at my computer and type up an email to Alice for some advice. When that is done I wrap up Alice's necklace and head to the post office to get a box and have it sent out just in time to arrive for her birthday.

I don't normally enjoy, or embrace, working out, I'm just a really lazy person like that, but this morning I need to go for a run. I change into some warmer running clothes, lock up behind me, and head out for a nice jog through the London fog to clear my mind. As I make my way through the streets, contemplating how I should handle the "Dan situation", I decide I need to tell Lizzy what happened and get her opinion. After about an hour, I make my way back to my flat and then take a quick shower to freshen up and wash off the sweat I've worked up. I walk out of my bathroom in some clean clothes, throw Lizzy's clothes in the washer so that I can return them, pick up my phone, and dial Lizzy's number.

"Hello?" comes the fuzzy murmur from the other end of the line.

"Hey, Lizzy. I need to talk to you. Can you come over later?"

"Ugh! Can't we just talk at Kyle's tonight? It's only 9 and I'm still tired and hung-over." She groans.

"No! It has to be before Kyle's. Please, Lizzy?!" I plead.

"Fine! Give me a couple hours so I can get up and make it back into town."

"Thanks, Lizzy! This means a lot to me."

"Yeah, yeah, only for you, doll."

She shows up at my flat two and a half hours later looking no worse for the wear after the amount she drank last night. She might look good, but she certainly doesn't look very happy, more just crabby and tired. She shuffles in and then just plops down on my couch as if she is going to just lay there and take a nap.

I take a deep breath, squeeze my eyes closed, and blurt out, "Dan kissed me last night!"

"WHAT?!" that gets her to sit up fast and stare at me in shock. "When?! Why am I just now hearing about this?!"

"Um, yeah, it was last night. At your place, before he went to his own shower. I didn't know how to react and I kind of ended up mucking everything up and I don't know what to do."

"Didn't know what to do?! Girl! You've been crushing on this guy for MONTHS, how did you not know what to do? And what do you mean you mucked it up?" she asks, getting agitated and excited.

I rub my eyes in frustration, "I don't know! I panicked and said some things I shouldn't have." I'm pacing now, "I don't know what to do now, Lizzy! I don't think he'll talk to me again and I don't know what to say to fix this."

"Well, what did you say? We need to start now if we are going to salvage this situation before tonight."

"No, not tonight. I can't go tonight. I just can't face him right now. I'll make some excuse to give Kyle, but I can't go tonight." I'm pleading now, and trying not to start crying.

She sighs, "Okay. We won't face this tonight, but you need to face this. Now what was it that you said to him?"

"I asked him 'why me'. I don't know why I did it! I immediately regretted it, but I just couldn't understand it. And he said some really nice things, but I could see that he was upset, and I was upset so I told him I had to think about it." I'm looking down in a mix of shame and embarrassment.

"You are such an idiot! You are a wonderful girl and any guy would be lucky to be with you! Why would you need to think about anything? You like him, he likes you, and you get on wonderfully, what more is there that you need to know? I promised not to make you go to dinner tonight, but you won't get out of it next week. Either you fix this by Friday, or you face an awkward situation next week."

"Okay," I sigh, "I'll try to fix this during the week, promise. You can take a nap here, or stay all night, I don't really care. I'm going to go take a nap myself." She doesn't move, so I assume that she'll be here for a while

I tell Kyle I'm not feeling well and that I won't be at dinner and then go take a nap. By the time I wake up Lizzy is gone and I'm alone again. I really do try to figure out how to fix the situation with Dan during the week, but, honestly, I'm just terrified. By the next weekend I really am sick thanks to my trip out in the rain and so I miss dinner, again.

By the time I actually see the guys again, it's been almost three weeks since "the incident" as I've come to call it and Kyle and Will have dragged me out of my flat to come to a gig of theirs. As soon as we get there, Dan ignores me. I decide to sit at the bar for this gig and see how drunk I can get to avoid the awkwardness that I know is coming later. By their fourth song I am soundly on my way to getting smashed, and by the end of the set I am definitely drunk.

Kyle walks up and takes the drink from my hand; he's clearly been watching me. Will and Woody are close behind and order their own drinks from the bar before turning to the small group of fans that have come to say hello. Dan, on the other hand, has kept his distance and is chatting with a few of the girls that have showed up. I see him slip a couple of the girls' numbers into his pocket and then smile at them. Oh, man does that set me off. I'm immediately pissed off and decide that now is a good time to leave. I try to stand from my stool and start to fall, almost taking Kyle with me. Kyle quickly catches me and makes sure I'm on my own two feet before letting go of my arms.

"Hann, are you okay? We haven't seen you in weeks, and when we finally do see you, you go and get so drunk you can barely stand. You've clearly been avoiding us and I'd like to know why!" He harshly whispers to me.

"I'm fine! I haven't been avoiding you, either. Well, I haven't been avoiding all of you, that is. I just want to go home, I'm not in the mood to stay out right now, okay?!" I hope he understood all that, I really am quite drunk right now and am definitely slurring my words, so I'm not sure how much of that was understandable.

"Okay, so you are just avoiding Dan, then. Can you tell me why? He hasn't been an idiot has he?"

"No. It's my fault. Can I just go home now?"

"Yeah, let me tell the guys we're leaving first."

He turns to leave and I grab his arm, "It's fine I can make it back on my own. You don't need to come with me."

"Yes I do. You're going to tell me what's wrong and then we're going to figure out how to fix it."

"Ugh! Lizzy already told me how to fix it! But I'm me and I just don't know what to say!"

"Well then, I'm going to make sure you get home and then I'm going to make sure you and Dan work out whatever is going on between you two because this avoidance dance is starting to piss me off!"

"Fine! Just get me home!" I watch him walk over and tell the guys that we're leaving and when he tells Dan I see the anger and jealously flash in his eyes as he looks over at me. I'm too drunk to care so I just turn and stumble out of the pub as Kyle helps support and guide me (much like what Dan did on the night I first met him).