Silent stories from broken souls

I want to...

I want to be happy yet I keep putting my self down. I want to self harm yet every time something bad happens that's where I go to. I want to be close with people yet every time I get too close I push people away. I want to be loved, but I don't love myself. I want to be happy yet my heart is so sad. I want to meet new people yet I'm scare of getting rejected.

I don't want to cry yet I keep everything bottled up inside so after a while I snap. I want to hurt myself but I also want to me fine. I want to stop counting the days but I like the control. I don't want to eat because I like feeling hungry. I hate my mine. I hate the way I analyze people. I like the way the tears run down my checks but I hate that I have to cry.

I don't know how I feel. The only emotion I'm certain of is sadness. It's there wether I need it or not. Sadness. Loneliness. Hopelessness.

Depression is something that beats me up everyday. Depression is there even in the happiest times depression is still there. Pounding in my head. Telling me that I'm fat. Telling me to lie. Telling me to not eat. Telling me to cut. Telling me to cry. If I'm happy I'm really just acting.

I cut because I feel like shit. And the. When I cut it makes me feel like shit again. Then I cut. Then I feel like shit. So then I cut. It's a cycle that only ends when I feel like I have gain back control again.

I don't like crying in public. I don't like cry. But for a person who dose t like cry I sure do it a lot. I'm a very good silent cryer. If I'm in the car and I'm cry you would never know that because you can't hear me.

I hate my mind. I hate the way I think, about everything. I don't like it when people know that I'm sad. I don't like it when people know that I'm hurting. I don't like to show that I'm vulnerable. I like to pretend as if I'm strong.

When I'm sad I like to make lists. I like to have control. When I don't have control I get anxiety.