Dangerously Discontent

Despair

Today Aabish's Dad has made an entrance,though nobody likes him I don't understand why his visit is yet so awaited,I hate being with 'good people' at times.

We made an uptrend feast and uncle's have took him to their library to have all man talk.

Aabish was popping his eyes out to me to pour some of his ill-med to the his father's lunch feast,I didn't do it.

Off the rumours,we heard that Zara is also expecting his Husband to beg her return today. She shouldn't go to that man!

We were sitting in the dazy sunlight like hungry vultures aiming at the warm beams. I looked at Zara,"you mustn't return with him" I said bitterly. "Nobody dismisses your decision,you are the favorite of Granna" Mawra supported.

"We'll see" she said. By the daytime,we saw no signs of him. By night it was confirmed he had not left the town so he would be visiting later in the week. Zara said it was a relief,she hated being this center of a shameful drama his husband always creates,we dearly love her,pity by such a shallow man she's been knotted to.

I was in the kitchen,it was growing dark and cold. I was shivering with all the thoughts in my head. I knew I needed to get myself free from this rope around my neck of plain doubt's and my insane love for Burhan was eradicating the left of sane in me. 

I took a decision that no matter what happens, I would clear all my vague assumptions today. I needed desperately a confession from Burhan. I planned of seeing him tonight and choose the spot. I looked calm but in an hour about for a few minutes the anxiety would take over me,I would suffer shivers,horror of this love to death and I would cry,tears wouldn't leave me. I kept cursing myself at times and at others I took remedy to console it.

The night hour finally came,I was feeling weak inside as I served the dinner with the rest of the girls. Aabish kept asking me why I was more affected than he was; at the visit of his father ;to which I smiled so hardly to fool him. He knew I was lying,he knew. But he gave up.

Before going to Burhan I sat in the kitchen,took a deep breath. And rubbed my arms,all life in me seemed to be drained away. I felt lifeless. I didn't knew how would I handle a confession I so confidently knew wasn't going to be in my favor. But I still hoped,hope is a deadly thing,it makes you fight even when you know you have lost.

I stood up but Masirah entered. She looked half anxious and half worried. Her face was pale and lips dry,she kept opening her mouth and shutting the same in some thought.

"I need to tell you something" she finally spoke.

I have not suspected her to be hiding something but now she looked full of guilt and I was assuming that it would be bad of course as the new didn't seem to delight her,wouldn't delight me at all.

I sinked inside.

"Mahnoor,I wanted to tell you this from the very start but I was scared I didn't knew how you'd react and then Mawra told me not to let this out and--"

She took a deep breath,my eyes were falling down.

"There are things I  haven't told you about" she halted after these words again,she again composed herself and uttered "about Brother Burhan and Mawra"

My hands fell to either sides of my body. This can't be happening.

"Mawra is having an affair--" she stopped her voice seeing Enaya enter.

Abraam was crying in her arms.

"Mahnoor can you take him to his father" she handed me to him.

My mind was numb,I walked dragging my numb feet as she took Masirah with her. In my way I met Zara who so excitedly asked me hurry up and join them I'm our room where they were about to surprise Mehreen for her birthday.

I was slowly losing my capability to breath at a normal pace.

I entered the room and saw Burhan laying on the bed. He immediately took him in his arms and gave him his phone,Abraam must have stopped crying,cause I was losing my sense to  a blur.

"Noor" Burhan caught my hand.

"Don't call me Noor!" I frisked my hand away.

He looked down and breathed,he looked miserable. "Mahnoor" he started again.
"I desperately need you to help me.I need to tell you something,I love someone will you help me convince--"

"Noir!" Aabish slammed in. "Come on, were having a cake party,Mawra is looking awful"

"I wouldn't" I answered Burhan and left the room.

I was more angry than sad now,more furious than I've ever been.

I hate him!

In the room,the all woman of the family have gathered and some brothers at side.

There was cake brought in. Mehreen's face lost color with the roaring surprise but she gained her grateful ambiance with a fond smile and hugged all. She hugged me tightly but I could return any emotion,everybody smiled so cheerfully but I was sore inside! I hated what just happened and it's bitterness caught all the features of my face.

Everybody brought forty their presents for Mehreen.
Then Zara cleared her way and announced she had gift that was more special than anyone else's. I had nothing to present so I made my to the exit but in the background voice I heard Zara ask Mehreen ' will you marry her Brother?" I turned in surprise to see Zara's finger pointing to Basheera.

My tears called freely,there was a dead silence as Mehreen recovered the color of her flesh from the pale shock she revieved, she then smiled and nodded a 'yes'. That yes that day broke my heart into a million pieces,my helplessness mourned inside me,my tears wouldn't stop flowing as I ran in the kitchen pantry and locked myself,I cried covering my mouth,this cannot happen! How could this happen?

I was in deep trauma,my heart ached,a sting so visible in physical attribute accessed a home in my heart. I was shattered,I kept stuffing myself with my scarf to seal the mourns inside me but my cries were getting wilder and my silent screams turned into turbulent sobs.

I would rather die at one stoke than be presented this death over and over. I could hear the ladies gathering in the kitchen,I feared someone opening and finding me there and in such a state. I would have no answers to their questions. I cried and prayed,Allah have mercy and save me from their sights,if they see me here,then grant me death so I hot to face them in the morning.

Thankfully, I wasn't tested to that extent I recovered from the pantry weak and woeful. I slipped in my mother's empty room for my room still had celebrations going on.

I was frightful all night,my eyes have grown permanent red in color. And I was afraid to have been the cause for ruining Mehreen's night,I would be accused of being jealous of Mehreen but it was true,I was envious of Mehreen now. She was to marry Burhan,I would die. If anyone in the world was to marry Burhan but me,I would die. I would die.

I was agonizing myself,why did I do this to me? I could have been in that hoard,smiling,celebrating the upcoming engagement but I'm here,I'm lost in an irreparable despair....

Why did Allah let this happen to me? Am I at fault in this too? For my heart was just loving,my love was innocent,I had no incest in mind. If was this a sin,was did it taste so sweet and if this separation from Burhan is for good indeed then why is it so painful? Will I be even able to survive from his burden Allah has placed on my soul for it is said : Allah places no burden on one's soul,it cannot bear. Then I scream and I cry to the heaven's, this weight ,this burden,I cannot bear! I cannot bear!

I plead to the Lord of all heavens! I am discontent! I am a wreck here! I am in vain! I am in deep deep sorrow for I cannot love no one but Burhan ever!
I don't know when and I don't know how,I have fallen in love so madly with him! But I cannot bear this loss,I want the man who cried in sujood in your witness,I beg you to return this day! I curse this day to unwind,I want my Burhan back! I kept thumping the ground weeping my prayers,I knew nothing. I knew I wouldn't be alright, I didn't care about no one. I wanted Burhan,I wanted him.