Daytime

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The world seems quite relaxing at this time in the afternoon. This is something that I will always fancy. Being able to just sit in silence and watch the world turn on its axis.

My dad was in and out of my life, sometimes never even remembering my age. My mother was an addict. She was addicted to work and saw her client's children more than she saw me. I mean yeah sure she sent presents on the important holidays and for my birthday, and sent more than enough money for me to take care of myself with. But that wasn't the same thing as having her actually there. That never filled the empty seat during dinner, or gave me words of advice when I needed it. The money was just there when she wasn't but that might as well have been absent the same way she was.

At the ripe age of eleven I had gotten my mom to consider hiring a nanny for me instead of going to see my grandmother. By the age of eleven I was tired of staying with my grandmother who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. The only memories that stayed with her were memories of war and that was really add she talked; well screamed about. She screamed for a revolution and for "someone to stop that German man killing all those fellas in Germany". I didn't understand her ramblings on good days and had fear in my heart during her outbreaks and screams of being misunderstood. I loved Mamma with all my heart but unfortunately she couldn't remember me just like she couldn't remember what she had for breakfast an hour ago, and that right there is what really broke my family.

My mother was really surprised when I had proposed the idea of hiring a nanny. I mean she really believed that I was happy listening to that lady scream about war and revolution and how I needed to get down with my bad self, whatever that meant.

One of the candidates that applied for the position was this woman named Jasmine. She was a little bit younger than my mother, with her only being forty turning forty-one this coming summer, but you could see the life in her eyes and the experiences that she fought for everything in her life scar her skin. While shaking her hand you could feel the callouses showing that she worked hard for everything that she had and that she didn't let that deter her in life. She smiled so wide that if you looked at her like that on the street you would wonder what was wrong with her. Jasmine was the one though. After her I told my mom to send the other people home, that I knew what I was comfortable with and who I wanted to watch over me during her absents.   

   Sitting down in this field with hydrangeas and other flowers I don't know covering my body I felt like I was invisible. Like for just once I didn't have to worry about Jasmine getting older and getting sick. I don't have to worry about my mother not paying attention to me even when I sit at the dinner table in front of her. I didn't have to worry about my father finally filing for divorce because he wants to be with the pool boy-none of that bothers me here because Jake is a pretty cool guy. I don't have to worry about what people thought of me without knowing me. I just don't have a single worry right her and now. Just sitting here I don't have to worry about anything that was related to the real world and that works out to be perfectly fine with me.

"You know sitting here isn't that good if you have a pollen allergy?" a voice in the near distance states, turning around I spot him from my chemistry class.

"Then maybe you should mind your own business instead of following people to deadly places" I respond moving back around and keeping my attention to the field around me.

"Well what are you doing out here anyway?"

"Just thinking about the life that we have ahead of us when this one ends" I reply still looking out on the field and watching the sun go down.

"And where did these thoughts really come from?"

"When being surrounded by loneliness and death you really don't think of anything else but the life after. I mean who cares for the loved ones we leave behind when we go, because it sure isn't this thing we call time. They say that time heals all wounds, but don't we have a little biological time clock that gives us these wounds, that we feed until our time is up and nothing is left over but our bodies in a wooden box six feet under. Time heals all wounds, but causes them as well." I confess while watching the wind grazing over the grass field close to a loving caress. It was great to see love here, in nature when I couldn't find it anywhere else. To me it seemed like nothing but death surrounded me, just looming around every corner but never quite grasping my soul. Death was never a difficult concept to understand, it was almost like the wind. It never really originated from somewhere but just came and went never really stopping somewhere to rest. The really confusing thing about death is it lives. It is a bringer of pain, suffering, and a means to an ending but it lives. It seems to live for an eternity yet no one ever really comes and collects its own soul, just allows Death to linger around and take up space that it makes after it takes us. Who takes its place after its own life is over? Does it actually ever end? Does it actually ever begin? If there is never a beginning, how is there an end?

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⏰ Last updated: Jan 18, 2017 ⏰

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