Wings

Revival

Do you love her?

Normani had not been able to think about anything but that question the moment Lauren had asked her the day before. She'd thought that she'd chosen correctly, that her reasons were good, and that they were finally in a place where Normani could still have Lauren and not hurt Leigh Anne. She'd thought that being just friends would not be so bad, that it would not leave her as thirsty and unsatisfied as she'd always imagined it would if they ever came to that conclusion. Lauren had been able to convince her as much, like she always could, and Normani felt finally like the rain had stopped falling and the sun was coming out because she could finally stop worrying and wondering and trying to separate her feelings between her current and former relationship. There was a clear line drawn out with choosing and Lauren seemed content with staying on her side of it, respecting Normani's relationship, and it just made everything feel so much easier.

She believed this at least until Lauren had to ask her what she had not once thought about before then. She'd always known exactly what she felt with Lauren even though she was not always clear on where they stood but with Leigh Anne there was no definite anything and the minute Lauren pointed it out it suddenly mattered. She went to see Leigh Anne later that night and thought about it as they talked about their relationship, she watched her and asked herself over and over again "do I love you?" and then again as she watched her sleep soundly in the bed next to her.

Do I love you? Does it matter? Do I love you? Does it matter?

She didn't know whether or not she did because she'd only considered herself to be truly in love once in her life and she wasn't going to compare that feeling to this one anymore, not with the line there. She'd always thought her and Leigh Anne would grow closer with time once Normani moved out of the past and started seeing their future together and they talked about it that night, about what they wanted from each other and where they wanted to go but nowhere in any of that was the mention of love from either one of them.

It suddenly wasn't about Lauren any longer, she was out of the picture, and out of that part of her life. Now, with Leigh Anne being the only front and center in her life, the only thing she prepared herself to think about and want was Leigh Anne and their relationship. And yet, she couldn't answer basic questions that should've come naturally by that point. They had dated much longer than her and Lauren and yet Normani knew she was in love with Lauren almost right away, she'd said it their first night together and never regretted it. Maybe things would just go slower with Leigh Anne, maybe that was just the way things were going to be. She couldn't tell if it really mattered or not right then as long as they eventually got there.

But if it didn't matter then why was she suddenly questioning her choice and why had Lauren even bothered to ask?

She stood backstage behind Leigh Anne and watched as she applied makeup to her eyelid in a vanity mirror with focus. She was such a beautiful girl, an honest, loyal, loving girl and Normani was lucky to have her. She was sure of that. But she didn't know whether that meant she was in love with her or just in love with who she was. She didn't know if there was a difference.

She knew she was really fucking tired of not knowing and going back and forth. Just when she'd thought the sun was coming out, the clouds came with it.

She stepped away from Leigh Anne and peeked out from behind the curtain at the crowd as they began filing into the seats. She searched the crowd until she found her three rows back and to the left. She allowed no thoughts other than the fact that she was happy to see her there cross her mind. If Normani was going to be unsure once again about where she stood in her relationship with Leigh Anne then Lauren had to have no part this time. She let the curtain close and rested her head against a wall to the left of her.