Excerpt from A Book He'll Never Know It Exists

To The Wrong Guy

A letter to the man I start to fall for, knowingly the wrong one.

I will start with telling you, how much I like you... it all started when we accidentally saw each other at the hallway. I never knew I would ever see you again though, coincidentally, I saw you the same day just an hour passed by, when I went to the school office, you already gave me a sign that I should've believed yet I was being naive and dumb and just tried to shake it off my mind. I said it would never happen, but boy was I wrong, so wrong that I should've believed the words came out from you. Knowing I was already troubled when you walked into that door. You came in with all your confidence and smile plastered at your lips. I already knew by then that I was troubled but the eagerness in me was overpowering my worries. I was damn excited for no apparent reason. Though I never let it show to anyone, I kept quiet and just wait for the move to be done. But it seemed I wasn't the only one who noticed everything because even the most unpredictable specie inside the room had noticed it. I let it be though, I still didn't let anyone see me through. Then a friend told me, to introduce myself to you, I did for I didn't want to be looking rude or obvious to anyone. I said "I'm ..." introducing myself to you then my inner me introduced you to me, she said, "Well girl, say hello to your nightmare". I blocked her though, I pushed her to the back of my head and didn't listen to her and just kept my smile plastered on my lips. Then everyone started to get weird and nosy. They started to tease me, I still didn't mind. I never believe any word they say, not even my mind could convince me that your already invading my head. Instead I let you be. I let you consume every part of my mind and now you're already inside me that I couldn't take off. Did I lie when I said you were hard to approach or to talk to even, as my first impression? Yes, yes I did. I lied for I don't want to give you the satisfaction, and here I tell you, you were a damn eye catcher when you walked in and all I wanted to be done was to know who you are and what you could do to me. When they said be careful what you wish for, never did I became careful and now I just want to go back to the day I first saw you, wishing I should have just waited for the gates to be opened for I wouldn't go around and wouldn't see you at that hallway. But what's here is already here, just need to 'brace it I guess? For I know there's no turning back. Days came, days went; the more we spend time together the deeper I go. And I know I have no right to dwell for it was my choice. The poem's you read, the sadness you see, the teasing you hear. It's all true, all for you. I never became this deep to anyone nor to be this comfortable to a man. I don't know what you do but I started to let myself be as I let you see the real me, I never really needed to redo my makeup nor do I need to be conscious around you. I just feel to be me. To laugh loud, to talk the way I really talk and to be this eager to have your scent around me. The mixture of your cologne and car freshener just go to with my vibe. I don't know I find it weird, do you? Well, whatever. It just goes that way.

Going on, I have never been with a man who's too straightforward, and could tell me everything he wanted to. Tell me, are you really that kind of man or it just happened to be with me? I don't want to assume really, neither to put my own crown. I just wanted to know. I need to, I guess...

Just like what I said, I need to know, not only that but everything else. I want you to be honest with me. All throughout honesty is what I need. Am I really that attractive to you, as you have said it beautiful? Did you really mean when you said there's something with my hand that you just want to hold it? Do you also feel the eagerness I am feeling since day one? When you're looking at me in the eyes, please tell me, what are you thinking? Should I stop? Do you want me to stop feeling this way towards you?  Do you want me to step away from you? Like you never existed in my life ever again? Just tell me. Tell me everything you want to tell me, just be honest. Please.

You have told me just to tell that someone how I feel. Now that I do...and I am already doing it, tell me what should I do next?

As much as I wanted to be mad at myself and hurt myself just like the way I did before, I can't because I have learned my lesson, not only that but everybody's telling me the other way around.

Though I want to tell you, that you're different from everyone else, you're not. Not in an ugly way but you're the said wrong guy I want to be with. You're another mistake I know I won't have a regret on. Still a mistake I never want to stop.

I am aware that at the end of the day, you're a restriction yet here I am looking for a reason. For me to stay and for you to be kept. I just wished we knew each other the other way around. But I guess you're just another given quest.

Read it all, boy, you'll see how deep I already went, not that I am blaming you but I blame myself for seeing you through.

Then tell me how you want me to be gone.

XO,
G.Ellie

*This letter is specified for someone. That someone who I dedicate this book to. That someone who meant something to me, just by days we knew. I could never deny a feeling to specify. It is all written in this book, words I could never tell.