Was It Really That Easy
I sit in my basement staring at my computer screen, reading over some meaningless words that were posted some odd months ago.
It had been ten months. Ten months since that day. The day that two horrible things took place, but just about everyone knew what one of them were. No one knew the second.
Ten months since I'd seen him. Ten months since I had spoken, or lack thereof, to him. Ten months since he had seen me. Or seen through me.
I remember that day exactly, and sadly I don't think I'll be able to ever forget it. Unless someone wipes my memory, which would make things a lot better.
We all sat down in the recording studio, except Gerard who stood, staring at all of us.
"So, when are we going to release - ?" I stared, but he cut me off.
"We're not. We won't be releasing the album." he said, looking at everyone else in the room, avoiding looking at me. "I've decided that My Chemical Romance is...has done all we needed to do."
We were all quiet, until Mikey spoke up. "I agree with Gerard. Besides, we all are busy. Christa is pregnant, Frank, you have a son; I think this is the right thing to do."
Ray looked upset, but he wasn't holding back tears, like I was. He nodded his head a little.
"I agree." Ray said.
And in that moment I literally felt my heart break. The thing I loved most was dead, and I didn't have a say in it. I couldn't do it by myself, so what other choice did I have?
Gerard finally turned and looked at me, and so did the others. I continued staring at the floor, as if it would erase the words that had just been spoken, but I knew it wouldn't.
"Yeah." was all I said while I continued to stare at the floor, and even then my voice cracked.
"Alright...well, I'll see you guys around." was all he said before he left, soon followed by the others.
There had been no hugging, or shaking each others hands, just that shitty excuse of a goodbye that he never could seem to say. And after that I hadn't seen any of them. Except Gerard at a Mindless Self Indulgence concert, since the two-man band I was in opened for them, but he wouldn't even come near me. He wouldn’t even look at me.
Two days after his announcement, Gerard had sent us an email saying that we should all look on the brighter side of the band breaking up when we told the fans. I tried, I thought as hard as I could until I got a headache, but nothing came to my mind. So, I typed up some short modification of what Gerard had said, and posted it on my blog.
Gerard, though, being himself, wrote a long letter to all the fans that was absolutely perfect. It made mine look like something a five year old wrote, and I contemplated taking it down several times, but never did. I avoided the internet for a few days after that, and basically sat around the house and did nothing.
Jamia was at work most days, and Cherry and Lily were at kindergarten, and Miles was in daycare, so they never saw me in that state - whatever state it was. So, I could get away with sitting on the couch all day doing nothing, at least until the kids got home.
Everyone is supposed to be okay.
Ray and Mikey are supposed to be okay.
And Gerard and I are supposed to be okay.
We are both supposed to be okay.
He is okay.
I'm not. I am nowhere near okay, hell, I am light-years away from it. As far as I can get, and it is awful to say the least.
I wasn’t okay because of that fight we’d had that seemed to ruin everything we had, or everything I thought we had.
I wasn’t okay because of how he fucking shoved me down during a concert after that fight.
I wasn’t okay because he married Lindsey right after that fight.
I'm not okay because of him.
I hate everything he does, but love it at the same time, and that really frustrates me. But that’s Gerard; it’s what he does.
I look away from the computer screen, and down at a sheet of paper underneath several others. I lift up the other papers and held it up, reading the four words that I had scribbled out angrily however many months ago.
We don’t hold hands
I stare at the paper for a few minutes, going over the song, or what I remember of it, in my head.
It was really me,
It was really you,
There was really nothing I could do,
Until then,
Lets use our magic powers with the children,
You don’t understand,
We don’t hold hands…
I ball up the paper in my right hand and hurl it across the room, letting it hit the wall, then fall to the floor. I glare at it, going over the last two lines of the song in my head. I turn and glare at the computer screen, then shut it off, and stand up. I leave the balled up paper laying on the floor and go upstairs to where I am welcomed by Sweet Pea. I walk into the kitchen, open the fridge, and take out the starbucks coffee from the day before, and take a sip. It tastes bitter today, but I don’t mind. It felt nice in a strange way. Like how I was feeling.
The two lines of the song shove their way back into my thoughts again, and I let out a long breath.
We held hands...we used to hold hands a lot.
I sigh, and set the coffee on the counter, staring down at the three dogs that are now sitting at my feet staring up at me. I set the coffee on the counter.
“Ya’ hungry?” I ask, my voice hoarse, walking into the living room to collect three bowls, then return to the kitchen. I take the dog food bags out of the cupboards, and pour some into the bowls, and set them spread apart on the floor. I pick up my coffee from the counter, and watch as they all inhale their food, as if one of the others were going to steal it from them, then they walk out into the living room.
Even now that damn song still won’t get out of my head, and I squeeze the plastic cup in my hand too much, because it cracks and leaks onto the tile flooring. I groan and toss the cup in the trash can and wipe up the cold drink with paper towels, then spray it with cleaner then wipe it up again. I throw the paper towels in the trash can, and walk outside. It was freezing, and it didn’t help the matter that I had a short-sleeved shirt on, but I don’t go back into the house. I stand on the porch, in the freezing cold, and watch as little, while flakes start falling from the sky.
Did he really forget everything? I think, staring out into the yard. Was it really that easy to just break my heart twice, and then blow it off as if it were nothing? Or is that all that I was? Nothing?
A/N: I hope you like this! I know its short, but I really wanted to get this out. I'd like to see what you think, so please leave comments.
Also it's my first (short) story I've published on here! Woo!
Thank you for reading!
~xoxoM
