To Inspire, Is To Achieve

#SpeakUp

It’s 3 am up in my own private hell
Because I know what it’s like
To be shut down and shut out
I wish for once I could learn
To live outside my own cell
And be free of my own mind
But how do I reach fulfillment
When I'm crashed and got parts to repair?

People always tell me,
“Hey write it down, get it out,
Let it be free”
But when I open my mouth nothing
Put pen to paper nothing
It’s all there behind locked doors
It’s in there all bottled up
Don’t turn the key
Don’t pop the cork
My thoughts are in quarantine
And Your ignorance coupled with my
Disregard is the sweetest medicine
It keeps the illness at bay
Silences your intrigue
But It pains my soul
More than it should
And it’s sickening enough
Listening to my fucking head yell
At me for hours on end

You said you’d always be there for me
But now that I stand here
With Blood dripping down a scar covered back
Waiting for you to take the knife you stabbed me with back
I never knew the true meaning of love
Hell,
I’m only just a kid, trying to fit in a world of adults

You left me out here
Standing in the pouring rain
With cars driving by and people who don’t care
I guess maybe I thought you’d come back
But you didn’t
And I’m laying in bed missing you
I am holding a bottle of pills and a razor
Blood all over my sheets
Thinking to myself,”Where did I go wrong?”
And I realized, I went wrong by letting you go
You were my best friend, and I loved you
But you left me in eternal darkness
When you killed yourself oh so many years ago
You couldn’t take the pressure of school
And you Couldn’t take the constant bullying
So you put a knife through your heart
Hoping to end it all, but instead
You killed the rest of us with yourself

I spent 10 days in a mental hospital
And what I found out there I feel like I should put into words
We aren’t who you think we are
The boy with turrets, told the funniest jokes
The girl who raked her nails up and down her skin,
Could create the most exquisite drawings
The girl who abused drugs, Had the wisest soul
The boy with schizophrenia, had the biggest heart
The girl who tried to kill herself, told the boy with insomnia
Stories to help him to sleep
The boy who wanted to kill himself, had the deepest passion for art
The girl with slits and scars all over her body,
Dried my tears and told me I was beautiful
The boy with anger issues, gave the warmest hugs
The girl with bulimia, told everyone every day, that they looked beautiful in our bodies
The boy who was a compulsive liar, told everyone he wanted us to get better, and was for once telling the truth
The girl who almost drank herself to death, stood for anyone who felt like they are being bullied
They boy with social anxiety, made sure no one sat alone at meals
And me, the one who tried everything to end his life cause he couldn’t take it
Has the deepest passion for poetry, and wants to share it with all of you

We are not who you think we are
We may seem different and weird at first.
But We are not just faces in a crowd
And We are not just aliens walking through the halls and on the streets
We are people just like you
So maybe get to know us before you judge us
Because we all came from the same place
And some left and never returned

I spent sophomore and junior year
In sweats and long sleeves
I didn’t eat a lot, I lost too much weight
I failed to take care of my own hygiene
For years I was bullied for everything about me
And the counselors and admins would say,”Come talk to us and we’ll handle it.”
But did they? No.
They put it under a pile like all of the other non worthy schedule changes they don’t care about
I lost 2 best friends to suicide and depression
All because the admin wouldn’t help them.
Every day they talked to them about the bullying, their parents too
But they didn’t do anything
So they ended up killing themselves
Because the pain was too much to bear

I’m not afraid to be who I truly am:
I have depression
I have an anxiety disorder
I have adhd
I was addicted to cutting
I have psychosis
I have ADD
I have an eating disorder
I have a sleep disorder
I have attempted suicide
I am strong because i have been weak
I stand my ground because I’ve been pushed around
I am attentive because I’ve been ignored
I am caring cause I know what it’s like to be alone
I am confident because my insecurities don’t define me
I learned to take care of myself because I’ve been let down before
I am understanding because I know what it’s like to be misunderstood
I am self trusting and secretive because I’ve been betrayed
I am wise because I’ve been foolish
I am determined because I realized failing is no reason to quit
I am friendly because I’ve felt rejection
I am empathetic because I know what it’s like to be broken
Medication and psychiatric hospitalization saved my life and I’m not afraid to say it

So now, just stand up if you’ve ever self harmed or tried to commit suicide
Please don’t be afraid, this is where you can be able to speak freely
Because all we want, is to be heard.
This is preventable, we just have to listen a little more, Speak a little louder
Stand up for what you believe in
I know that’s hard for some of you, but I promise you
I promise you, it will be worth it.