To Inspire, Is To Achieve

Painful Acquiescence

I really hate the feeling when you don’t have emotion
When your mind is spinning around in circles
But you can’t feel a thing
It hurts me inside when people think I’m happy
When in reality I’m just dying inside
Maybe it's cause I laugh a little
Make some jokes, or even smile a little
But it Doesn’t mean I’m ok
Truth be told I’m really dying inside
When I cry at everything and cover up my scars
When I can fake a smile so good people think it was real
I just wanna scream and I hate myself wanting to be ok

I need to crawl out of my body
Maybe Rest and reset
Maybe a makeshift bed
Wherever I can find peace
A ‘do not disturb’ sign above my wearied carcass
My rapid thoughts anchored by submission
A nightmare awaits it’s contender
Acquiescence would be so effortless
If I could learn to just let go

I’m dragging around this ball and chain
Somedays I do just fine but other days they weigh me down
I can’t ever find an excuse to kill my pain
So I just let it consume me and i drag it around
Someone told me it was impossible to save someone as broken as me
Well I say fuck that because I am already fixed
I have tons of different friends who are better than you
Who build me up instead of break me down
I can’t fucking believe I ever even trusted you
To trust such a deadly frown to a complete dead end
I thought you were a friend who would lend me a hand
But what you did to me I just couldn't comprehend

I'm not ok and I never was
Ever since I was a kid I've been slowly dying inside
Afraid to be me cause I was ashamed of who I was
Afraid to be in my own skin due to body shaming
Never was comfortable talking around others Because I was always ignored
Shut down and shut out is all I've ever known
And it killed me inside when you just walked away
Always thought you'd help me through this
But you took the knife you carried, stabbed it in my back
Walked away and never came back

I never quite healed from that
Because I never knew how to
I Took the knife you stabbed me with
And took it to my own skin
Watched myself bleed until I couldn't take it anymore
I asked myself,”Where've you been?”
But now I see you've gone and killed another soul
Thought you were the one to make me whole
But now I'm left standing here all alone
Maybe I should dig a hole, and bury myself
Save you the trouble of having to do it

You only see what you want to see
It’s the blind truth
You can see everything crystal clear
Yet you opt for this ignorant blindness
The ache that spreads across my limbs into my chest
A tortuous fear of realization
Like toxic air polluting a once clean heart
Comprehension is unattainable
Through the thick smog of pain
I will suffocate and that’s obvious
It may turn out to be your sanction

My pain flows like it’s happiness
The higher happiness doesn’t exist
Until the depths of despair have paved paths in your heart
It washed over me at once and swept me away
So sudden I wasn’t able to catch breath first
It was paralyzing
I lay on the seabed motionless
My tears unnoticable as the dispersed into the empty sea
The realization drew me in I couldn’t find the path out to save myself

I finally found a way to wake up
Threw my blade in the sink and heal all of my cuts
I realized that sometimes things get worse
But that doesn't give me a reason to quit
I realized that the way people see me
Shouldn't affect me or my self esteem
So I gave up trying for others and only focused on me

I'm telling you now, it's time to wake up
Find a purpose for yourself and not others
Wake up and live your life how you wanna
Don't live for anyone else
Just live for you