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Chapter Thirty-Two

"What the hell is this?" I bark out as soon as Matteo opens the door, in jeans and a t-shirt. "And don't give me bullshit because I skipped a very important dinner to Danny to get an answer."

He stares at me, holding the door open. "Come in."

I storm inside, angrily. "I'm an idiot to think I could actually live without you? Did you send this?"

He shuts the door. "It was cowardly but I knew you were with him and I-I needed to tell you that I know now."

"What does this mean, Matteo? You told me this fucking morning that you weren't able to be with me!"

He looks completely lost now. "Why are you so upset? I thought you'd be happy!"

"I'm upset because you finally say this, what I've always wanted you to say and I don't believe it! I actually don't believe you!"

"Why don't you believe it?"

"Because you're only saying it because I was here for you. Because in a rough time, you had someone here who loves you and wants to care for you! You're mistaking gratitude for love."

"I said it because I sat here all fucking day, thinking of you! Thinking of what I gave up and yes, that was partly because of how selfless you were yesterday but that's not it. I know what I gave up six months ago and I know it was the wrong decision. Em, being without you destroyed my life and when-when you are here, you make me feel things and they're so strong... these feelings."

"You know, I thought I'd be really happy to hear you say this, finally. I thought I'd lose my shit and just tell you I can't live without you either but honestly, I'm pretty freaking pissed! You expect that just because you say a few kind words, with no actions to show it at all, that I'm going to forget you didn't care enough to let me stay six months ago?"

"I did what I did because I couldn't bare to bring down the woman I love to nothing! I thought I was doing the right thing!"

I can't find words. I gape, confused. "What... um, what... did you just say you loved me?"

He walks up to me, clasping my face. Oh no. I lose all sense of speech, mobility. He looks down at me, breathing heavily.

"I loved you. I love you, Emma. More than I have the strength to say," he whispers, emotionally, resting his forehead against my hair. And it takes me a mere couple of seconds to completely break in his arms- heaving, wheezing, blubbering tears.

"Em, baby, I'm sorry," he apologizes, kissing my cheek. I push back off his chest, shaking my head. Jesus, this hurts.

"I don't believe you, Matteo," I choke, holding my hands up when he comes closer. "I don't."

"You have to believe me, Emma, please," he pleads as I try to get past him.

"I need to go. I need to think," I utter, with difficulty. "I need you to let me go."

He reaches for me, clasping me by the arms tightly. "Never, Emma. I'm not letting you go again."

I gasp as his lips come down on mine, roughly. He moans- it's a painful, tortured sound as his hands drift up into my hair, fingers tight. I try to pull back but he's too strong and I find after a few seconds in his arms, with my mouth against his, I fall back into the trap.

We claw at each other desperately as if we'd been apart twenty years instead of six months. I'm in heaven and hell at the same time. But I must be really pissed this time because I push him away with a gasp. I push him away and he stares at me, chest heaving. I walk past him and open the door, not bothering to shut it.

                                              ****

"I'm gonna fucking kill him," Danny seethes, standing up in a rush. "He fucking kissed you?"

"I kissed him back, Danny. I'm just as guilty."

"No, you're not. He's taking advantage of your kindness! You probably felt like you couldn't say n-"

"I didn't want to say no," I whisper, looking up at his still form. I sigh, shaking my head. "We can't do this."

"Can't do what?"

"This. I-I don't think I can marry you, Dan. I can't do it when my heart isn't in it... he has mine."

He shakes his head, horrified. "No, Emma."

"You know I'm right," I utter, calmly. I look up at him, with no tears left. "You don't deserve this, what I'm putting you through."

He bends down in front of me, clasping my thighs. "I'll go through it if the end result is us at an alter, Emma. I want to marry you, have kids with you."

I look down, consumed by my shame. "I can't give you that right now. I always think of everyone but myself and I can't do it anymore. It's killing me. I just want to be alone."

"You're telling me you're not going to run into his arms the moment you hand me back this ring?"

"I'm not," I say, meaning it. "I think he needs to find himself first before he can be with anyone... certainly before he can be with me. When we're together, we- we drain each other. We need each other too much."

He looks away, closing his eyes and I grimace, reaching to touch his face. "I do love you, Dan. I just- don't think I can love you in the way you want me to right now."

He presses his hand over mine and I feel his affection, in just the touch. "Is there hope? What if I wait?"

"I can't tell you. I can't tell you to wait. I can't tell you that my feelings for Matteo will fade... because I don't think they will. I gave him something of myself those first weeks we were together and I haven't been able to get them back. I think I gave them to him for good."

"You can't live your entire life running after him, Emma."

"I don't intend to," I reply, shaking my head. And for once, I actually believe it.