sketchbook // kim jongdae

t w o

jongdaes POV

I was passing out again, this feeling was already familiar, but still, this time it was something different. I deserved everything bad because of the unforgivable mistakes I made. I shut my eyes, fell to the ground and waited until this feeling would be gone. There was this feeling again I couldn't describe, was it from cuts I had? Was it because of her? I don't even know, so many questions all at once. I got up and went to the sink, I splashed water on my face, washed my bloody arms and took out my depression pills, the only thing I had hope in cause of this situation. Instead of one and took three pills now... my hands were still shaking, they would never calm down.

I sat on the ground again and put my head in my scarred arms, thinking and thinking off all the stuff, all at once. It's driving me insane. I came to mind when realized Xiumin was banging on the door, calling my name.

"Jesus Christ! calm down, I'll come soon"

I tried to sound as normal as possible and he stopped banging on the door. I got up, feeling dizzy from all the blood I lost. I looked in the mirror and saw my disgusting face, tears still falling from my eyes. I couldn't take it anymore. I punched the mirror and made a little crack but that doesn't matter. I tried to cover up my sadness, depression and scars best and I was used to it already. Man, so many things to cover up. I cleaned the blood and hid my arm under my big hoodie as I always did.

Now, I was looking in the cracked mirror, I 'put on' my normal, calming face and went to the door.

As i left the bathroom Xiumin ran across the room to me.

"What happened? Oh my god,are you okay?"

I still felt bad but i just wouldn't stay with him anymore,i wanted to be alone,so i lied to him.

"Yes,everything's okay for now.you can leave"

"I can stay if you want me to"

"Really,it's okay.Go"

He nodded in understanding and headed to the exit.

"Call if you need anything."

He said quickly and left.

The whole day i was feeling emptiness in my chest,i decided to take a walk to have some fresh air,but turned out i just walked thinking about nothing but her,how perfect her face was,how it looked like it was sculpted by a sculptor,her blue eyes in which i would lose myself every time i looked at her.

I looked at my phone.it was ten pm.I felt tired and my legs hurt. I went back to my apartment.

As i entered,it was filled with heavy air,i wanted to leave and not return anymore,because this is the place we spent most time together,from drawing sessions to movie nights with take outs,but it was late,and i didn't want to bother anyone, so i just decided that i could sleep.

Turned out i was wrong.

As soon as i slipped in the bed and closed my eyes in attempt to calm down and not to fall in the ocean of memories connecting me to her,to Marie,but they were everywhere,in every inch of my head. As hard i tried to escape from them and focus on sleeping,they were still there, in the end my mind wandered back to her. So i sat down and closed my eyes trying to remember the precious moments i had shared with her.But i couldn't avoid the worst memory,of course.

flashback:

" Jongdae,calm down god dammit! I said we are just friends"

She was angry. I could see that clearly." I know! How can i calm down when hes using you? Do you trust me at all? Do i mean anything to you?"

"I said i talked to him.There's nothing like that."

"Are you saying that i lied to you?" I was so,so disappointed, i couldn't believe my own girlfriend didn't trust me.

"No,i'm not saying that.cant we just forget about it?"

"No we can't!"

"He's not publishing my paintings as his! Where did u even find that bullshit! I'm not going to lose this friendship just because u are so possessive!"

I couldn't believe my ears,my heart clenched,and in the next moment i found myself saying the thing i still regret,and maybe will never forgive myself for.

" then perhaps this is the end.you don't trust me,i cant have a girflriend that doesn't trust me"

A glint of emotion,something like saddness flashed across Marie's face,it was there only for a second.

"I guess,okay"

i noticed the tremble in her voice,and wanted to kill myself because i saw that i had hurt her.but there was no turning back.

" i'm-" she stopped for a second, "i'm leaving the academy next week,i came to say that.i was worried,guess that's for the best now."

And the she left.Just like that. I was left in complete shock,trying to recover from what happened,I regretted everything as soon as Marie disappeared from the view. The realisation hit me,that I wouldn't be able to hold her,hug and kiss her,go to her when i needed comfort.She wouldn't giggle and say that i'm ruining the pose while drawing me,she wouldn't miss classes anymore because of me,we wouldn't go out on dates anymore.And that's because of my stupidness...I ruined everything.The blame was eating me out from inside,it hurt so much. I wandered to bathroom. I saw a pack of razors on the stall.I wasn't in my mind,i didn't realise what i was doing,but it hurt and i just wanted it to stop.So i reached out for the razor,and that's where everything began.

End of flashback

A//N

Thanks for reading! *-*

(try listening to the song up there,)