my personal diary

(1) i g u e s s

1/22/17

12:02 am

America

i need this. dont report please.

  Ok so you don't know me and thats a good thing. First off i really dont give a fuck if i have writing errors, ill fix them later chill. So if this gets to weird for you, stop reading now. please. Lets start with, i want to kill myself. yay. im being honest, i dont want to deal with deppresion anymore. it sucks.. it really does. i cant take it anymore. i want to break down and cry but all at the wrong moments. im getting really distant from everyone, i dont want them to see me like this, i dont want to worry anyone.

Im that one friend that helps everyone with their problems, but no one seems to care about mine. I hate it so much when i go out and see girls with their dads. It just reminds me how i dont have mine, i don't know what it like to be 'daddy's girl' and shit. For fucks sake, I dont even remember him from my 'young years'. I see my dad like every 2 months. i guess, hes like a stranger to me. we dont talk much. or at all. my little brother asked me today, "why did dad move away" and i just stared at him. i asked myself that question for the past 8 years. and i still dont know the answer.

  some people will just blow past this and be like why is she complaining about her dad. other people have worse problems. yes ik, but cant you listen to mine ? Its not all just about my dad, fuck him. he left my mom to work her ass off for 2 children while he goes out to get drunk and shit.

do you know how it feels to have your best friend of many years call you fake ? just bc you told ur mom that she was acting kinda rude towards you. honestly it hurt, a lot. i love her with my life and when she was sad ive always been there for her and gave her the best advice possible. she thinks shes worthless and stupid. i really hate it how society fucks everyone up. but im here being a hyprocrite bc she thinks shes ugly and etc and im giving her advice but i cant even take my own.

I'll be truthful, i kinda envy her. she has a dad that adores her, and she doesnt appreciate him. she also has a mom that works super hard to provide for her and her sister, but she just tells her mom shes stupid bc she didnt go to school. not everyone had the education that we have.

it breaks my heart. because i wish i had parents that love me. you can see it in there eyes, the heartbrokeness, when she tells them harsh things. ppl ask me why im still friends with her but i guess its because tbh.. shes misunderstood.

you know whats funny ? its currently 12:24 am and im typing on my laptop crying. i never saw myself to be so deppressed when i grew up. never, but you know.. things happen.

i lie too much.

i told my best friend i'd stop cutting bc she threatened to tell my mum.

so i told her i stopped.

but its not easy. at all.

i didnt stop, it kept me sane ig. plus if she told my mom.. my mom would hate me. i dont want my mom to hate me. i would die. i used to tell, my best friend about all my problems, but then i stopped. what could she do about them anyway.. so i keep quite now. i pull on my blank face, im acually rlly good at doing. i love to write, but when im sad or mad is when i dont really feel the need to write, but writing my problems is nice. i get to express myself in a way i cant do othertimes. i want to tell more but ill save it for the next time i want to write.

anyone out there who is reading this.. dont worry. dont report, please. i need this..

         - K

12:39am

Sunday