Face The Music

Masterpiece Theatre I

Dear Aunt Lynn,

That's your name, you know. Lynn Clarke. You kept your last name, even though you love Uncle Henry to pieces, just because you thought it sounded better than Lynn Kent. Honestly, sweetie, you've always been such a wonderful blockhead.

But I know you forget all of that. You forget that you once had a brother, and he's dead along with the rest of his family. You once had more nieces and nephews than me, you know. There was a little boy, my baby brother Eren, and a girl, Jessa. They're gone now, and you don't remember any of them. You don't even remember me, me who you treated like your daughter, and me who felt like you were a second mother. How am I supposed to feel? How can I live with myself? Things keep disappearing, and I get the most horrid feeling that they don't come back, ever. Won't you come back to me? To Henry? He's been waiting for so long.

This was Josh's idea. You don't remember him either, but you forced me to meet him, and he's more or less my best friend, my only friend now. Yesterday, as we were talking about this, he was plucking flower petal confetti out of my hair, and the sun was shining in his face, and he was squinting like he wanted to close his eyes, but he didn't want to stop looking at me. And I was shaking all over because of you, Aunt Lynn – whenever I think about you, I drown – and he grabbed my hands and held me still. Those damned blue eyes of his. I could've kissed him. I swear I almost did. 

But do you care about any of this? Can you read this? Understand it? Promise me you can, that you're somehow remembering the struggle you and Uncle Henry once had to have children because that was all you wanted, but you couldn't, and tell me you're remembering dad, your brother, and how he used to chase you around the house, but he was younger than you, so you'd pin him down on the ground when he came close, and then he'd have to swear to be your servant for the rest of the day if he wanted to be let up. Tell me that you remember, when I was little, that you and Henry would take me out for a walk away from my family, and we'd go to this beautiful park where cherry blossoms filled the air, and they almost flew into our lungs, but they only caught in your short hair, and I'd call you a flower, and you'd call me the tree. And tell me you remember all the nights after I came to live with you, after my family had died, and each night, I'd come sobbing into your room because I couldn't sleep, could never sleep with the thought of them, and you'd hold me close and stroke my hair until at 3am, with tearstained cheeks and uneven breath, I finally fell asleep. Promise me you'll remember all this, one day, however long it takes you.

They say it's always just the random things that happen to us that shape our lives, that we have no real control. You never believed that. You always said that everything happened for a reason, so if you died tomorrow, it would be because someone else too great for extra existence in the world was being born, and you'd be glad to go, or if I began playing piano again, it would be because I felt like I had a reason to live again, not because my fingers were tired. But I don't think that. There was no reason that someone like you could ever have to go through something like this. No person is worthy of you and your memories, your ideas and loves and heart. How did this happen? I can't believe you let it, either. You're supposed to be the one, fighting tooth and nail, for the rest of us who don't have nearly as much spirit. You're supposed to be the one who wanted to live. But here you are, now, and I don't know who you are. This couldn't have happened for any reason – it was done out of pure spite, and I hate the world for it. I hate each and every one out there who is living a happy life right now, not feeling what I'm feeling, because your love reached farther than anyone's, and if they're not feeling what I'm feeling, it's because they never loved like you did. 

So tell me you'll always be here, Lynn, because so will I, sat here, waiting for you, because that's all I can do, with bated breath. 

Come back.

With the love of all the years past,

Kiera