Undercover Badge; Next Generation

An honest message

I don't know how to say this. But i feel i owe you an explanation.

I had a boyfriend who was the most amazing man i'd ever met. And i loved him more than I've ever loved. He made all my flaws feel beautiful and all my brokenness feel whole. He loved the softness i like to hide- he was my home and my best friend, and given the chance, i would have chosen to spend my life with him. I called him Bear. When it was just us, in whispered, private moments, i called him Teddy Bear. Because he was; this big, warm, bearded and cuddly teddy bear that would protect me from anything that scared me. And i was his little fox. He was the bear, i was the fox.

I want you guys to know that he knew about you. I showed him your comments and he was so proud that you all read my stories and commented. He was so proud of me in everything i did.

All the sweetness you all love in Matthew came from him. His love of history, how tall he is, his smile, his warmth. The quiet strength. Tim was a leader everywhere he went too- He walked into a room and filled it with his heart and his smile. The way Matthew holds Reena and their playfullness came from Tim. The way Reena feels about Matthew comes from me. 

All the good in Matthew came out of Tim. All of Matthew's difficulty came from me. But the kindness, his goodness, his heroness was Tims. Essentially, you all fell just a little bit in love with my boyfriend. Which is why i want to tell you.

In the early hours of the thirteenth of January, robber's broke into his home. His mom and brother were asleep. He wasn't. The beginning details are foggy, because it was just him and them. But his mom and his brother heard the window break. So they came out of their rooms into the hallway. Where Tim stood in front of them.

He was telling the guy with the gun that he could have whatever he wanted, but Tim's a really big, tall, square shouldered guy, so when he raised his hands the gunman got scared and shot him in the side. Tim bent over, but stood up again. To protect his mom. The gunman felt threatened, and shot him in the chest. At least, that's how his mom told me it happened.

 He died before the ambulance got there. He died before the cops got there. 

His memorial service was on the 20th. He donated all his organs. They said everything he donated could help thirty people. He was so kind, even in death. Not surprising; before he died he was trying to grow his hair out so he could donate it to cancer patients.

I'm trying to get back into writing. But writing Matthew without Tim feels impossible. Writing love and strength when i'm just heartbreak falling apart feels impossible. I'm trying. I promise.

Please be kind, i'm trying.

Thank you and i'm sorry for what we both lost. He was the last gentleman, prince, knight in shining armor i thought existed. I lost my entire future and the man i loved. 

It helps to tell people. A part of me wants to shriek my pain from the rooftops till my vocal chords bleed. He died a hero, protecting his mother and brother. I guess i should take some comfort in that. But i don't. I just want him back. I'd give anything to have him back. I'd give my whole world. I figured here, in this community, i could be my most honest. 

In all my years of writing pain and death and loss and tragedy, i never imagined it would feel like this.

  This isn't a joke. It's not pretend, though i wish it was. I've always tried to keep my personal life off this site, but he knew you. He read your comments. He loved you all for supporting me.  

I will write again. Soon. But for now i beg your patience. 

And i apologize.

 I'm so sorry.

     He was my ocean;

The waves of him soothed my tired bones and battered heart 

     He was my ocean;

I saw the white horses in his eyes for their colour and the freedom they offered me

     He was my ocean;

His current pulled me in and I would willingly drown in him  

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