I lay there in agony. He doesn't know what's wrong with me. I prefer him not to know. It's better that way. I'm not depressed. I don't like labels. It's really hard to explain. He probably thinks I hate him. I don't know how to tell him I don't without him thinking something else is up. Though it is , he doesn't need to know. I have 3 photo shoots today, an interview with Model Pop , book signing and I have to read to kindergarteners. I decided I'd reschedule everything. With how I'm feeling right now , even stepping foot out of my house.. I'd ruin my whole career. It wouldn't be much of a tragedy if I did so. I hate what I do. I hate everyone I work with. I just hate it. It was all glamorous to be this when I was like 10 , but now I dread every photo shoot , every interview , every negative piece of feedback , it just sucks. It's not what I want anymore. But I sacrificed a lot for it I can't just throw it away. I crawl back in bed laying face down into my pillow. I screamed as loud as I could. I used every inch of strength I had in that scream. And it felt good. But soon after the feeling went away. That's how I can explain everything that happens in my life. It feels good for a moment , then it's gone. And it sucks. It sucks I can't be happy anymore. I mean really happy. Genuinely happy. The kind of happy you don't have to question. The kind of happy that makes you want to hold on and keep going. I can't find that happy though. It's there somewhere , I know it is. I unlock my phone seeing 34 missed calls. 20 were from Trey , 10 were from my mom , and 4 were from interviewers. I ignored it. I went to my call list looking for someone I could call. Someone I could talk to and they'd actually understand. My thumb stumbles across Leslie with a big red heart next to the name. She was my Bestfriend. We hadn't talked in months. It was all a misunderstanding. She kind of replaced me with someone else. Does that sound jealous? Yeah it probably does which is why I apologized to her. When she really should have apologized to me. But it doesn't really matter anymore. She probably hates me. I swipe her name across calling her. Shocking myself I did so it rung.
"Hello?" Leslie answered. I cleared my throat before I answered back.
"Hey ..Leslie"
" Hi, um What's up?"
"Oh nothing I just thought I'd call you and see how you were .. we haven't talked in a while" I said nervously.
"Alexa. Are you kidding me?" She said laughing
"What?"
" We haven't talked in a while because I don't even like you. You know this" she said laughing harder.
"Right.." I said
" You're pathetic . Bye Alexa."
The line went dead. My heart felt so heavy. Like she ripped it out of my body and threw it in a flame. The pain is literal. I literally felt it In my chest. I threw my phone in anger not caring if it broke. I wanted something to feel my pain. Trey was the only one here for me. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. With everything. That's just my life. I have to live with it. I'm falling apart.
