Figuring Out

Midnight Thinking

So here I am. I'm bad at writing I just figured it would be good for my mind and soul to express how I feel. I should talk about my self now to let you get to know me. I am from USA California. I am 15 almost 16 years old in March. I am athletic. I have too many sibling to keep count. I'm only 5'4. I'm not a good writer; I have to many thoughts jumbled in my head. I could never make sense of what I'm thinking when I say it aloud it write it out. No one under stands what is going on through my head. It's like I'm stuck at the top of a building locked in and everyone else is going on with there life down on the ground and all I have is a window to look down from. If that makes any sense to you. It most likely won't because like I said no one can ever understand what I'm thinking. Being a teenager is hard. I want to write about so many things, but I know  if I do then there won't be anything to talk about later on. I think tonight I should talk about how I can't breathe. It always feels like I'm stuck. Like I'm stuck in a snake. A snake who hasn't peeled of it's dead scales? I'm just waiting. Waiting for my soul to be reborn so I can be brand new. When I'm at school I look around and notice how everyone has close friends that they've known for years. And then there's me. The girl who has people who say they are there for her but are they really? None of my "friends" texts me trying to talk to me about gossip, or just to say hi. It makes me think if I'm really their friend or are they friends with me because it's a have to and not a want to or maybe they don't want to be alone. You see, when I first started high school I went to a school where I knew no one. I had to restart my whole social life. All my middles school friends that I knew since 5th grade stopped talking to me. It's like I wasn't their close friend at all. When I went to high school I thought 'Don't be nice to anyone they aren't your real friend and won't be'. I thought I could stop being nice and not put myself in that position again. But being the really supper nice girl I am I said hi back to a girl that talked to me. The first girl that talked to me in high school. I still consider her as a friend just not a close friend. I'll forever be there for her but if I ever hear her talk about me I'll just cut her off. It's easy for me to cut people out of my life. I cut my ex boyfriend out of my life simply because he was annoying. I do sometimes regret it but I can't help how I feel. Maybe that's why I can never get a boyfriend I'm too in the moment type of girl. That's just how I am. I change my mind like a switch. One minute I'll love you the next I won't even acknowledge your existence. Sometimes I hate myself for it because it makes me feel uncontrollable of my feelings. But that is me. I can't help anything I do, it just happens. And I'm tired of people comparing myself to others. I am not like anyone but myself. When I get ready and look nice for school I don't do it to look like the other girls, or to look cute for the boys. I do it because I don't want to dress ugly. Dressing ugly makes me feel lazy, uncaring, not secure with my body. Insecure. I try to tell my self I don't care what people think but is that really how I feel? I mean I dress like them. I talk like them. But I clearly am not them. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a lot of close friends. I don't go to school dances. I don't go out on the weekends. I am just a corpse walking around. I have a circle and its only 2 miles long. It starts at my house and ends at my school. I don't go anywhere else around my town. Only a couple days out of a week my parents will take us to the grocery store. I have no life it feels like. It's like I can't go outside the bubble because the bubble is my only oxygen I won't be able to breath with out it. I went into school thinking I'd make a lot of friends. Thinking all I have to say is hi. But No. People don't want to make friends with me they want me to be a filler in their life to make it look like their life isn't as bad as mine. Are we all the same on the inside. I don't know. If there was only a really wise guy in this world that answered everyone's questions anytime any where. And don't say god because he never responds back. So let's talk about my religious perspective. I don't know about that either. All I know is that there are so many religions degrading religions because they don't believe in it the same way. But from what I think is that all the religions are the same they all believe in some type of god or gods and they all spend their whole life believing in something someone said way long time ago. I'm only 15 and my parents have maid me go to different churches to believe in different things to take away my sins. So I think I've lost hope in what god is real and what god to believe in. It's kind of crazy how my parents think that just because we go to church every 5 times a year makes us pure at heart. No one is pure at heart. I see my parents doing disgraceful things all the time. I think they just want something in their life to make them happy with out having to buy it. But I think if they really want to be happy they should stop expecting and just start giving. They always want to say how they don't have money but always find some way to get a new car or buy tons of junk food or go shopping but they can't even have enough money to get me my necessities that I need like glasses or shampoo or deodorant. That is so bullshit! It takes me so many times just for them to understand that I don't just want it I NEED the stuff I tell them. I see them just throwing money away on stupid stuff but i just a child I can't have a say in anything at all. The worst part is that they can't even stop to give a homeless man or woman at least 1 cent to survive. How humane is that! I hope you understand what I write because this is words I never got the courage to say. I'll try to update maybe 1 a week. With all the school and practice I have going on I don't think I can update more than once a week. Sorry if the writing is pretty crappy.😬