Faith and Despair

Chapter 8

    We showed up to school a week later and I was greeted by people giving their condolences. Even Jessie didn't come at me which is saying a lot. I almost wished she would though so it didn't feel so awkward. I just wanted things to go back to normal.
    The only normal thing in my entire day was Ethan and our favorite teacher, Mrs. List. Lunch was the only time that I had fun! We sat around talking and having a good time. It was almost as if nothing ever happened to my mom.
    But when school was over and I had to go to Ethan's house I was reminded all over again that she was gone. When I was over it seemed like a funeral house. When you opened the door it just blasted you in the face. You could smell it in the flowers that were around the house. You could smell it in the food that was cooking. You could see it in the stuff strung out around the house. Most of all you could see it in the attitude of everyone in the house.
    I never wanted to step in there when it was like that but I knew I had to every day for about two weeks after my mom's death. Finally at the end of the second week we were able to have the funeral.
    The weather seemed to change on the Saturday of her funeral. All week it had been sunny and warm but on that Saturday it was rainy and cold. The weather had done a totally 360. I was standing in Ethan's bedroom blow drying my hair while he was finishing up with his tie.
    "You sure you're ready for this?" Ethan asks as I finish with the blow dryer.
    "I'm ready to let go and move on. That's what she would want me to do."
    He walks over and rubs my arms. "But are you ready to let go?"
    "Yeah, I need to move on."
    "Okay," he says just before he leans in and kisses me.
    "We should probably go," I say as I put down my blow dryer and grab a brush.
    "We will, just as soon as you finish your hair."
    "Well I'm done."
    "Then I guess we'd better go huh?"
    "Yeah," I say as I grab his hand.
    We walk out to the living room and see our parents waiting for us. Then we all head out to the cars. The ride there was a blur. I remember ridding in Ethan's truck and listening to the music. I know he was talking to me the whole time but I drowned out all the noise.
    When we arrive at the funeral house I'm ready to cry. Ethan rubs my shoulder and then we get out. The whole funeral was blur too. We walk in and sit down in the front row. When it finally starts; I start bawling. Ethan puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in tight. The tears run down my face and embed themselves in my skin. My eyes burn and are red but I didn't care. I just cried for the whole session.
    When it was finally over I got myself to kill the tears even though they still wanted to come. My mom was really gone and there was nothing that I could do to change that. Ethan and I walk back to the truck where we both climb in and sit there for a moment. I thought about some things my mom had said to me over the years; about being strong and courageous even in the face of despair, but could I really do that?
    I could feel Ethan's hand on mine and I knew that he was trying to be there for me but doesn't really know how. Granted, he did care about my mom too, but not the way I do. He grabs his keys and slides them into the ignition and starts up the truck. He glances over at me then pulls away from the cemetery. I look out my window at all the grave stones. A single tear slides down my face. Hot and wet. I wipe it away with the back of my hand.

*Here's another lovely chapter. 😉