Faith and Despair

Chapter 26

     It was a couple years ago and my dad decided to take it upon himself to drag me along on one of his routine camping trips. My mom never liked the woods as much as he did, so she usually stayed home. Me, well I usually stayed with my mom but occasionally I did go with my dad. This time however, I didn't get a choice.
    We were headed up to Rainbow Point in Cascade. I wasn't overly excited to spend a whole week cooped up in a tent with my dad and no running water, but I was happy to spend some time with him. The drive up there was long but we blared some of our favorite music and rocked out to it.
    It wasn't a long drive compared to some of the other trips we had taken in the past, but it was long enough to make my butt sore. Finally we reached Cascade and our drive was coming to an end. Part of me couldn't wait to be in the woods; it was pretty much my second home. The other was the scared little girl who had dreams about being eaten alive.
    Trees surrounded the whole area; filling the air with the smell of pine, sap, and plants of all kinds. We were almost to our camping spot and I decided to roll down the window. It was a little chilly outside but I didn't mind. The cool air seemed to clear my thoughts. Of course all I thought about was Ethan. Early that week he had come to tell me about this girl he liked; like always, he asked me what to do.
    I had asked my dad's opinion on things and he said that Ethan was just trying to make me jealous. I told him that that was absurd; Ethan would never do that to me. (Boy was I wrong.) My dad spent an hour trying to explain to me why guys pull this kind of tactic and none of it made sense. Finally, I gave up and moved to a different topic.
    Now when the cool air ripped through my hair I thought of things differently. I could see what my dad was saying but at the same time I had known Ethan for so long that it just didn't make sense for him to do something like that. I continued to ponder questions that sprang up in my head. Turning them over and over, looking at them from all angles and still being completely baffled.
    "There's no way," I continually muttered to myself.
    My dad gave me weird looks every now and then but I suppose he understood what I was like not knowing. My mom played hard to get for the longest time before finally agreeing to go out with my dad. They would constantly talk about the troubles and challenges they had to endure before they got things working. I surely hoped that any relationship that I would have in future wouldn't be full of hardships. Of course it's a naïve thought but a girl can only hope.
    Finally we pulled into the campsite and I couldn't have been more excited. As soon as my dad threw the truck into park I jumped out and started unpacking things from the bed of the truck. Once I unburied the tent I immediately started setting it up. I was so involved in my work that I didn't notice my dad standing off to the side laughing. I threaded the pools through the slots in the tent then proceeded to push them together so the tent stood up right. Happy with the finished outcome, I stood up and brushed off my jeans. Calmly, I walked over to the truck and grabbed the sleeping bags. I climbed inside and rolled them out neatly, setting our personal belongings on either side.
    I looked back at my work especially pleased with myself. I hadn't realized I had done all the work by myself until I noticed my dad standing with his eyes wide. He couldn't help but laugh at me and all I could do was laugh with him.
    Those were better times when things were easy. I miss that life. I miss the girl I was. Now I don't know who I am.
    'But you do,' a small voice reminds me.
    'You have a great boyfriend and a new family that took you in. You're on a great trip right now and you're worrying about the past. It's time to move on,' the voice yells at me.
    'It's time to dig deep and push forward. Now is not the time to wallow in self-pity. You're better than this. You know who you are. You know why? Because you're strong enough to handle all of the crap. You've gone through hardships, yet you keep moving on. You're strong. You can handle this. You're not alone. No matter what you think. You have a family. You have a life. You have someone to help you if you'll let him. Now is not the time to give up. Now is the time when you pick yourself up and get up to fight. You're in that moment when you decide who you are. Are you going to be pathetic for the rest of your life? Or are you going to be brave? Are you going to be a fighter? Or are you going to lay down and take a beating?'
    The voice continues to remind me of things that I have. Things that I need to do. I'm not broken. So many people tell me that I'm not damaged. I haven't listened. Now I have a voice telling me that I'm not. I guess people would call it their inner voice. I suppose if I have an inner voice yelling at, I should probably listen.

*Hey guys! Here's the next chapter hope you love it!