Becoming My Mother

Letters to Legend

Saturday, April 30, 2016

7:36 PM

Yes, I am worried that I am unlovable. I'm worried you wont love me because of the way I sleep, the way I always seem to be restless and sloppy. I'm afraid you wont love me because I'm not a morning person, my hair doesn't and won't always look perfectly imperfect and there are days when natural beauty just doesn't cut it like you thought it would. I'm worried you wont love me with my bitten fingernails, my pasty skin or my razor burns, scabs and scars. I'm worried you wont love me after you see how impatient and selfish I can be. I'm worried you wont love me when you notice flaws that weren't unnoticeable anymore. You'll see how sometimes I treat my dog and my brothers in a way that they shouldn't be treated. You'll see my heart isn't always as big as we like to think our hearts are. You might not love me when I'm too boring and I get old and lazy and I'm not that fun anymore. I might not be all about you one day and you might just notice your not all about me. But what then? I'd like to believe, that if you were the one, you'd leave and not let us live like that. But I'd also like to believe that if you were the one, that wouldn't happen. She told me I live in a fantasy world today and it stuck maybe a little more than it should. It is true, the way I envision love to be, might not be what it really is. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

9:48 PM

I suppose I will have to call Legend tonight. I have avoided this for a while. I've been trying to stay busy and not alone because when I am, I right away want to contact him. I think it's best I gave that space, spent a few days and realized that life wont stop with his absence. I'm realizing this doesn't mean anything is wrong with me and that he will realize later on that he lucked out. I'm extraordinary and exquisite. It only increases every day. He will want me badly one day. Not today, maybe not tomorrow, or next week;but the week after, he just might. And that's okay. I'm patient. I like legend. He makes me angry and he brings stress that I shouldn't have to deal with. But, I do because I like him. Because, I wont deny emotions anymore. Because, I value the truth. Because, the truth is, I like someone who doesn't feel ready. Because, I like someone, when I'm not so sure I'm ready myself. 

Saturday, June 18, 2016

11:57 AM

"It should be either you want to be with me or you don't, but you've made it so it doesn't work that way. If you want her, if you know you want her, go. I think I will wait either way. If you don't know what you want, then go. I'm going to wait. Ill wait for you decide. Ill wait for you to find some happiness because I know your sad. Ill wait like I always will when I'm not there running after you and telling you to stay. And if you want me, still go. Still go decide some things out. Still go find your happiness because baby boy, I think your sad. I'll still wait for you, ill still run after you. I always will. You should know that. I want you. I'm going to. Ill want you even if your with her or your over there. I'll wait for you to come back, love, because that's what I do. I wont hate you in the ways I know you wish I would. Ill want you, only you, and I'll wait. I knew from the start this would happen. And of course I'd wait for you to just knock it off... 

What I'm trying to say is, you should go either way. But come back. I want you to come back. I want you to forget about her, I want you to let me help you find that happiness that I think you deserve and I want you to want me. I want you to want that to. But if you don't, then go. Maybe you'll realize your wrong. Ill always hope that you do. Your confused,love, and your unhappy and I know what it feels like. Maybe you'll come back, maybe you wont. The waiting only hurts when you don't come back. Please come back. I know you don't want to hurt me.

Tuesday, June 21st, 2016

4:41 AM

Legend,

It seems like everyday I contemplate calling you. Late at night, of course, when we are both vulnerable. I think it through well. But instead of me trying to convince myself that I shouldn't call you, it's me convincing myself that I should. Everyday, I tell myself, "I will tonight. Tonight will be the night." But "Not tomorrow, Becky is coming over. Maybe the night after." This cycle goes on and on. I guess maybe I've figured that the best thing I can do is wait. Wait for you to call me on a late night, of course, when we are both vulnerable. I wonder if you've been contemplating it the same way I have. I always figured I would wait. I know that's what I do best in these situations. I find my security there.

If you love something let it go right? Wait for it to come back and it's yours. I'm not even sure I love you. But here's the thing: I want love. I'm ready for love. I never was before. I am now. I'm looking for a lifetime. And amazing friendship. Amazing sex. Someone who will know me like no one else, for the rest of my life. I want passion and understanding and insanity and home in a human being. That's what I want. More than anything. I've told you that I want you, that I'm not going to stop wanting you. But, if you tell me that you cant give me that, what I truly want, I can't want you anymore. I won't.