Paradigm

Chapter 8: I'm Sorry

CHAPTER 8

"I am good at walking away. Rejection teaches you how to reject."

― Jeanette Winterson, Weight: The Myth of Atlas and Heracles

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Laire and I have been more productive during our sessions lately. She feels more open and trusting towards me, which makes me happy. Of course she still holds a few things back but that's okay. I don't expect her to spill everything out right away. What Laire had been through caused shifts in her life and trauma; the memories still haunt her.

I haven't seen Niall ever since what happened that day. He told me that he likes me, more than a simple little crush and I told him the same, because it's true- I do like Niall. But I couldn't do it; be in a relationship. Especially not with him. He makes me feel strangely happy and safe, and that's why I had to leave. Niall deserves someone simpler and better than me, I am not good for him. He deserves someone good, sweet, and simple, like Kate. She's pretty, sweet, and simple. That is the kind of girl Niall deserves.

"Are you eating in here again?" Laire asks. I nod my head softly. Since the whole Niall situation I've obviously avoided him. I stopped visiting him and eating in the cafeteria where I know he'll be. As a psychologist, I know it's wrong and unhealthy to run away from you problems. But as a human, I just say: I'll see how far I can go. I'm just not ready to face everything; reality. Niall probably hates me now but I don't blame him, I'd hate me too. I practically turned him down and then disappeared. Who does that? Oh right, me. A stupid bitch.

"Well I'll tell Jones to make something for you, although I'm pretty sure he knows the drill by now." Laire smiles slyly at me as I make myself comfortable on the chair. 

"How long do you think you can camp out here Lux? I mean, Niall misses you everyday and you know it. Why? Because everyday he tells me to tell you how much he misses you." I sigh and nod at Laire's words. She's right. Everyday when she comes back with my food, she always tells me that Niall misses me or that he wants to see me. She says that he is genuinely concerned and only wants the best for you. But he shouldn't be! Niall is just wasting his time waiting for me to come around, assuming that I will. I can't be with him, no matter how much I want to.

"Look I don't know why you won't just accept that you want to be with him and how cute of a couple you guys would make, but I'm going to go get your lunch. If you change your mind, don't hesitate to leave." Laire walks out the door, leaving me in the room by myself. Ever since Alec found out that I'm practically with Laire 24/7, he says it's okay to not have guards- inside or out. People just thought Laire was a violent girl but she's not. She just doesn't open up easily and finds it hard to convey her thoughts and emotions. Well, she's not the only one. 

I just wish I could face Niall and tell him why I can't be with him, but if I do that, who knows what will happen? When I was with Jace, I let my guard down and was truly happy with him. But he proved to me that letting my guard down is a mistake and I'll only end up getting hurt. That is part of the reason why I can't be with Niall, but not all of it. Niall just doesn't need someone like me, and just because I need him, doesn't mean I'm going to ruin his life because of my selfish needs. 

Laire enters the room with two trays, one for me and one for her.

"Thanks Laire." I take my tray and start eating; mac and cheese with garlic bread.

"Lux, why won't you go talk to Niall?" I look over at Laire and see her eyes fixated on me. Honestly, I don't even know why I don't have the guts to explain everything to Niall. I know I'm being selfish by playing things "safe" and not being brave enough to confront Niall, but I just can't do it! I can't! I don't want to hurt him and I don't want things to change.