Dangerous Women.

Not A Chapter. Just read.

                                    I came out. It went badly.

Okay so at first it started off as a joke. I was pulling a "coming out prank." On my sister. I put my camera on record to record her reaction. Half of my intentions were to just make a joke, and the other half was just to see how she would take it if i really came out. Sooo...basically i tested the waters.

So once i press record i told her i had big news to tell her. She asked if our biological mother had passed away. (We have a step mom and are not on speaking terms with my real mom.)

I told her, "No! Why would i record you're reaction to that, that's pure evil." She laughed and said,

"are you having a baby?" I said no. Then she just laughed. I told her that i was scared to tell her, then lied her i already told one of my cousins and they told me to tell her. She said,

"So what is it?" And laughed. I told her that i was serious and i was trying to pour out my heart to her, but she just kept laughing.

I told her, "its very, very hard for me to say this but...im gay." She laughed and said,

"No your not you like d**k to much." I knew that this was supposed to be just a prank video but it got serious.

I told her "no..im serious. Im gay." She laughed again and said "yeah sure you are. Cmon you like guys stop lying, i know this is a joke."

I told her, "no really im trying to tell you my heart and your laughing at me, why?" She laughed again and said,

"Your sitting here lying that your gay, God's going to get mad."

She then said, "so you imagine yourself eating pu**y?" And was being sarcastic. I said,

"No man, like im trying to be serious right now." She then said

"Well that's what gay is." She then said "i know you, you're straight." I laughed to myself because she really didn't know me. She thought she did.

Once i saw her face change from jokable/sarcastic then disgust, i decided to tell her it was a prank.

I was afraid of what she might say next, or if she might tell somone. When i told her it was a joke i saw relief on her face. She said

"See girl, i know you like D**k." I laughed because she was wrong and ended the video.

I sat there thinking of my brother. Him and i are the closest out of the siblings. Every time i imagined myself coming out, i always imagined him being the only one to accept me.

I said to myself 'his reaction will be better.'

I turned to my sister and said, "lets do this prank on him. He'll fall for it."

But really i just wanted to see if he would have been more acceptable.

We walked into his room and i managed to hide my phone so he wouldn't know i was recording. I told him,

"Bro i gotta talk to you." Both my sister and i walked into the room. He sat on the bed and awkwardly smiled.

"Whats up?" He asked.

"I told her but she doesn't believe me, i wanna see if you believe me."

He started to laugh as well.

"You're pregnant." He saids  (keep in mind im still a virgin...by choice.)

"No." I replied. I sat down awkwardly and smiled very afraid.

"Then what? Just spit it out." After a couple of minutes of me explaining how it was hard for me to spit it out i said,

"Im gay." He giggled.

"No your not." He then laid down watching t.v. i said,

"Yes i am."  He said "your lying. Your not gay stop it."

It was heart breaking because i thought he would be the one to accept me. Turns out i was wrong.

I started to cry and my sister thought it was just me putting more effort into my prank, but it was me finding out what would happen if i really would have told them. I then said,

"Its not fair man. Im telling you the truth and your not Taking me seriously. I take all of you seriously. I always listen to yous, and i always help yous when yous need it."

Everything went quiet. My sister still thought i was joking.

My brother got serious sitting up.

"I really don't want to hear how my sister is  gay, get out of my room!" He said angrily.  I said,

"Bro why are you mad at me? Why are you yelling at me?" I asked.

"Get out of my room i don't wanna look at you right now, go away!" He said again. I got afraid again and told him it was a joke. I showed him i was recording and he laughed and looked relieved like my sister did. I was in shock. He then acted as if nothing ever happened like he wanted to forget about it.

I was afraid and shocked. I felt like i got a taste of what it would be like to tell them, and i hated it. She was disgusted by me, and he said  he didn't want to look at me. I think if i would
Of told them i was pregnant they would have gave me a better reaction.

I feel so alon. I felt like no one understood me, or that i wouldn't be accepted and now i know i won't. I feel scared and by myself. I can't even trust my own family. They were so ready to disown me, and that freaks me out. No one understands me...no one. Im never ever coming out. Im just going to continue staying in the closet and dating somone i don't even like, let alone love. I'll never be happy, but im okay with that. I've been going this long, i can go longer.

Dont take for granted those who love you for you. Not everyone has it so good.

My family don't accept me, because they think God hates me.

I know the only one who loves me is in fact God.

John 3:16 "for God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten son. That whoever believes in him will not perish, but have everlasting life."

That is the one thing im holding on to. His love and approval. No one elses.

Im happy i saw the out come of what might happen. Now i know better.

P.s. Alex Danvers (from supergirl.) Inspired me to sorta kinda come out? I thought her coming out scenes were great, and i loved how they captured it so beautifully. But like always t.v. ain't reality.