Reasons To Live - Charlie Grayson

Chapter 2

When you think of a depressed suicidal teen you usually think they roam the school halls alone, are constantly bullied, eat their lunch alone or with that one really good close friend of theirs which they typically show in the movies, although the one really good friend part isn't much of a lie at all but I do have friends, I don't sit at lunch alone counting down the minutes before I end my life or just shoot up the whole damn school, in fact i'm quite the selection in my group of friends. Maria, A beautiful illegal immigrant , who had to leave her family behind in order to succeed, she can argue her ass off, future democrat if you ask me. Steven, his purpose is to prove the government is a bunch of bullshit, he's graduating early due to the fact that he's a fucking genius but like everyone he has his demons, he's a part time drug dealer and last but not least my buddy Ian , he's a tough kid , in and out of foster homes but he's making a living for himself with his small businesses. 

As I walked down the hall to my English 101 class I take a quick detour pass Winter's locker , if i'm lucky I get to see her flip that gorgeous hair. I finally see her I swear every time I see her I feel alive again , the blood in my veins pump harder and I could feel the thud in my chest as my heart beats aggressively. I keep my distance , my eyes undressing her as she reached for her books in her locker and if I believed in a God this would be my time to thank him. She looked at me; studying me, I wasn't sure if she was disgusted or interested the look on her face never gave a clear answer which I loved about her , she was a puzzle , something you need to actually take time to sit and figure out. Girls weren't like that anymore,  these days they were more straightforward than porn plot stories. I looked at her and almost as if I was dreaming she approached me, smiling, and oh my god I had a boner! fuck, fuck, fuck!  I ran, I ran as fast as I could with my hands over my boner, I had no real direction I just needed to get as far away as possible. As soon as I was far enough away I dropped to the floor kicking and punching, I didn't even want to imagine the look on her face , she probably thinks i'm some kind of freak , my boner went limp , as limp as my heart felt and I walked out of the school doors ashamed, how lame could I be? I get hard as soon as she is even 5 feet away from me. I wonder if she noticed..and if she did..did she like what she saw?  "Charlie Brown, my man" it was Ian , thank god. "Maria's looking for you , ya know"? he said with his eyebrow arched as if he was trying to tell me I better go to wherever the hell she is. Maria has a thing for me and it's been that way for awhile but i'm just not interested , not that she isn't amazing but i'm so infatuated with Winter, other girls don't really matter to me ..you understand? "uhh, tell her i'm leaving out early , got a lot going on" Ian looked at me upset, I hated when he did that, I knew a lecture was coming. "You can't keep missing out on school like this bro" he didn't say goodbye or even look at me , he just walked into the school doors just as the bell for first period started. I knew he was right but I refused to walk around this building after what just happened , couldn't face Winter.

It was a long chilly walk to the library , I mean i'd rather be in other places than the library but I wasn't in the mood to see mom doped up on the couch, all my friends were attending school, school obviously wasn't an option as of right now and it was too cold to walk around town, I managed a half smile to greet the elderly lady behind the desk, wished her a good morning and sat at a table. I looked around , reading peoples faces. One guy looked grim , he had jail tattoos that proudly announced his gang affiliation, there was a young girl trying to tame 3 bratty kids, and an old Indian man watching porn in the far left corner, shameless  I thought, I wish I could be that bold I pulled out my notebook, which contained all the letters I've ever written for beautiful Winter Campbell from the moment I seen her.

Dear Winter,

You are the very essence of beauty, the spawn of Aphrodite,

no one could compare to your beauty and for that they despise you,

they want to be you. Your eyes captivate me and enlighten my soul
all I can think of day by day is for once touching those lips. 

I constantly read over my short letter , so simple, so plain, not romantic enough, no where close to defining her beauty or how much she actually means to me, It sucks being pathetic.

Dear Winter,
I masturbate to you on a daily basis, you've got great tits...sit on my face.

I laugh at myself, at the letter, the expression on her face if she were to ever read that , I laughed too loud and too well, maybe one of the best laughs I've had in awhile, funny to think I enjoy things a little more when i'm alone. my phone buzzed I was almost certain it was a text from Maria probably wondering where I was , I didn't even check it , after a couple of hours of reading up on famous serial killers, about the human body, and reading erotic books I came up with a thought , I should give Winter a letter and place my number on it, honestly this idea is where everything begins so bare with me. I sealed the letter with my number neatly written in the bottom right corner of the love note , I ran faster than Forrest Gump to her house, I was running to my Jenny. I laid the envelope on my knee , quickly writing her name on the front of the envelope before I was seen and just before I dropped it in her mailbox I kissed it , I'm not sure why. I guess it gave me some hope considering this was a big step, a step that affected my life so much in such a little bit of time. I ran home , practically skipping, I had that goofy smile of a young boy in love all over my face, I felt alive , free, as if I took charge of my life. I came up to my front door, walked in with a sigh of both lost of breath and pure happiness thinking of all the possibilities , trying to keep positive. I peeked in my mothers room and surprisingly she wasn't there and that's when I seen it..

My heart dropped to my ass and my mouth went dry, two small feet were sticking out of the living room door frame oh god no, please not now and just as I expected for years I looked down at my mother in a face full of vomit, I dropped to my knees beside her lifting her head into my arms, didn't care that her cold vomit was getting on me. "Please, please, please, please not now mama" I can't say I didn't expect this but I didn't expect to handle it so poorly, tears were pouring down my face , dropping onto her once beautiful sunken face "where's your God now mama? where the fuck is he?"  I screamed at her , clutching her closer, rocking her back and forth , pushing her hair out her face "fuck you , you fucking asshole" I shouted at God or whoever could hear me. I laid my mother down away from her vomit and called the ambulance.

"Hello , 911 what is your emergency"?
"I..I think my mother died..please send someone..please"  I sobbed , sniffling through my words.

"Okay, i'm going to need you to stay calm sir. what's the address so I can send an ambulance immediately" 

why the hell did she sound so calm, she must be used to these kinds of calls, maybe worse, what a job.
" 325 Long Hill Drive" my words barely audible
"hold on tight, the ambulance is on their way"

I held my mother, still rocking her sobbing into her hair she smelled like a need of a bath, vomits, and cigarettes, I held her till the ambulance came and took her away, I still sat in the same spot long after she was gone, I couldn't go to that hospital for them to tell me that she is dead, I wasn't ready, I prepared for this moment but yet I still wasn't ready. I cleaned her vomit off the floor and dragged myself to my bedroom forgetting about Winter, Maria, or how i'm going to explain this to Megan whenever she gets home, I laid down wondering how long had she been that way , alone , face first in a pile of her own vomit, the house usually felt lonely but now sadness lingered around, as much as I hated them I would love to hear some spirituals right about now, I pulled myself out of bed , nearly tripping walking down the steps, walked into my crime scene of a living room and sat in my mom's favorite chair and turned on her favorite gospel CD and cried , not your silent, couple of tear drops cry, a loud messy cry, that left you puffy eyed, with a stuffy nose and tear streaks running down your face. Not that I believe in you but God please bring my mother back home.