PHOBIA (Jonathan Crane scarecrow)

Philophobia-Fear of falling in love

I had no idea what was wrong with me. I felt like i was just trudging through my life these couple weeks in Arkham. Everyday was the same. Morning meds, activity room, therapy session, laughing at jokers jokes (which made no sense), night time meds, and then bed. Of course we were fed terrible meals in between. 

" Dontchya think that would be hilarious dollface?" Jokers voice rang through my head. 

" what would?" I asked as i blonked my eyes. 

" tieing up the uh- mayor and uh-" he licked his lips. "And shoving a batman mask on him for the world to see?" He laughed. 

"Sure i guess." I sighed. 

" You ok doll?" He said as he smacked his lips. 

" perfect." I mumbled through a sigh. 

"Ok babe." He said as he attempted to kiss me. I pulled away causing him to frown. "Whats matter doll..?" He said impatiently. 

" Nothing J. I just dont want red lipstick all over me." I sighed in annoyance. He smirked at me and moved a little closer as i leaned against the Arkham activity table. 

" Ya know babe. Most girls find it incredibly sexy and irresistable. " he whispered in my ear and leaned in for a kiss again. I pulled away and felt my face scrunch up in agivation. 

" No joker. Most girls find it both terrifying and insane. " i scowled. 

He looked at me his face scrunching up in anger. He opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it and took a deep breath. His face softened and he tilted his head. He gave me a small smile. 

"I guess your right dollface. Thats the point huh?" He said through clenched teeth.

I rolled my eyes and held my head in my hands. I glanced over at him who looked over at harley and declined her invitation to go sit with her. And instead, stick by my side. Though the guy was a mess i had to give him credit. He was trying. But the fact was...i just didnt love him.

" Ace?" A gaurd called. I looked up.

"Yeah?" I called out running my fingers through my hair. 

" Time for your session." He said. 

I nodded and stood up walking over to him so he could escort me to Dr. Cranes office. My daily therapy sessions. Something i hated yet always seemed to look forward to. It included me sitting with jonathan for an hour and him trying to get me to talk. I havent spoken a word to him since our first session. And id most likely not say anything to him now. 

" Paranoia!" Crane said when i entered. " great to see you." He breathed. I remained quiet as i sat down. 

" How are you doing?" He asked as he took off his glasses. Silence filled the room answering his question for me. "Ok then.." he sighed. "If your not gonna speak then atleast listen. I know i hurt you and i know it was wrong. I know i used you and im sorry. I want to make it better. Because i love you." He said. I felt anger raise inside me.

" You dont love me!" I shouted. I took a deep breath and fought back the tears that threatened to pour out. 

" Yes i do baby." His voice came out broken and the expreasion on his face looked hurt."i do." He whsipered. 

"I loved you." I sighed. "God, did i love you." I chuckled. 

" Do you still love me?" He asked as he moved to sit next to me on the patients chair. 

" i dont know..." i replied. "I dont know.." i shook my head. "It doesnt matter anyway. You sold me out. Your a jerk." I sternly said. 

He frowned. " no im not. I looked out for myself. No one else would." He bitterly chuckled. 

"I looked out for you!" I half yelled. "I loved you!"

"You know what?" He raised an eyebrow. "No you didnt you never did. You pretended to love me. And now ypu sit her and cry victim and loath in your own self pity. While i try to make things right. I dont think youve ever loved anyone Paranoia, not me, not the joker, not even your self. " his words stung me, i bit my lip feeling tears come on strong. He chuckled. "I think ive finally figures out your true fear. Philophobia fear of falling in love. Or maybe your just not capable of feeling love at all." He spat. 

I felt my heart stop. Not literally. But i could feel all this pain hurt me so bad that i felt like my heart stopped.. and it shattered. I couldnt keep it in any longer. Tears broke out of my eyes falling down my face. I looked everywhere but at him. 

I felt his hand cup my face forcing my eyes to meet his. 

"But paranoia. Even if that is true. Itll never stop me from loving you." He said as his thumbed grazed a tear away from my eye. " im a bad guy darling. But you found the good in me." I felt my lips part wanting to speak but now words came out. And suddenly i felt his lips crash onto mine. Sweet and much needed. I took him in like he was water and i had been wandeeing the desert for a thousand years. 

" Jonathan. Im sorry-" he cut me off. 

"Its ok. I am too." He said as he pulled me into him embracing me and holding me. "Shh. Hush now. It'll be ok." He said kissing the top of my head.