It was 4:17 when we got home I was emotional drained and tired and I honestly just wanted to go to my room and cry everyday i would fight the tears so no one could see them but I knew Tess could she knew everything that was going on she knew about my thoughts and my actions I felt bad telling her all of my feelings and thoughts because I knew I was hurting her but she told me " if you have any thoughts please talk to me " and I promised I would but I don't keep lots of promises I didn't keep it when Tess and Olivia told me to stop cutting I told them I haven't done it for a while but every now and then I would cut but I knew I hurt them both so many times over and over I knew I would hurt my mom if I told her but I just can't do that to her so I would just take everything and tell Tess and I would tell some of it to Olivia. I stayed in my room and just cried listening to my music blocking all the sound around me off but now was my least favorite time it was time for supper I was always scared to go upstairs I didn't want anyone to see me crying or see the tears so I would always wait a few minutes and hope everyone was done making there plates I went upstairs and I ate and told my parents goodnight and that I loved them and I walked downstairs I was ready for everything just to be over I closed my door and I locked it so if I did anything that night. It was 11:18 and I was tired but I never could sleep it's just like when Christmas is almost here and you want to stay up all night l. So I laid there talking to Tess until she said "well I think I'm gonna go to bed" I told her " okay I will talk to you later love you goodnight " she said love you " and she went to bed I had no one to talk to so I would just lay there until I would actually go to sleep but that's hard when you are telling yourself every night " just do it why are you being such a pussy just do it " I would try to ignore it but the next day I would always regret that I didn't do it.
