To the Boy Who Couldn't Give Me More

I'm Moving On

An open letter to the boy who couldn't give me more,

You know who you are, and how this all went down. I sat there on my bed trying not to cry. Overly emotional, I know, considering we'd been talking for about a month. Thirty days was all it took. For me to know that you were perfect, a true gentleman who proved to me every day that chivalry wasn't dead. I met you on accepted students day over six months ago and was instantly smitten. You were handsome, and I took an immediate liking to you. I told myself to move along and that the likelihood of us choosing the same school was low. I was wrong. I saw you on student orientation day and made a complete fool of myself. You must have thought I was deranged. I knew I had blown any chance of being your friend, or more.

Yet right before fall semester finals we found each other again. Started talking, and I found conversation so easy, and so effortless. You made me smile and laugh more times than I had ever laughed before. Completely cliché but I was falling for you. I found myself wanting more, to see you and be a bigger part of your life. You told me about the upcoming rugby formal, how you were going to go with friends you'd asked before we started talking. I was jealous, so incredibly jealous, but I wasn't honest with you about it. I told you I was fine, that I'd feel bad if you canceled on them (which is true, I would have felt bad) but I found myself doubting that you liked me. I went to my best friend, and he told me that if I trusted you, and I did, then not to worry about it. He was right of course, he always is.

You came to visit me over break, and my father approved of you. He saw me happy, truly happy, for the first time in a long time. You see, I wanted to kill myself my junior year. Life had gone to shit and I was convinced that killing myself was one of the only ways that I could be happy, that it would set me free. But I knew the consequences it would have on others. On my loved ones. So I didn't, I got help and got better but I was never really happy after that. I didn't trust people. I trusted you though. It came so easy and I didn't think anything of it.

I then came down to visit you, meeting your parents, and braving your friends. They're amazing people, your mom and dad. Your friends were a rowdy bunch, but kind all the less. I felt accepted, and it was good to feel that. I hadn't felt like part of a group in so long. We went back to your house, and I almost hooked up with you. I would have, if it hadn't been for two things: a) your parents sleeping upstairs and the lack of a basement door and b) the lack of definition in our "relationship" [I'm not one for casual sex]. After saying no to you I felt terrible. I convinced myself that I was the butt end of a joke, because the look in your eyes once I said no was heartbreaking to me. It was like a switch went off, as you told me to go to bed. I told myself I was crazy, that it was you trying to get us to sleep, and that the lack of sleep was making me see things.

We woke up and didn't talk about it. You brought me home and I wanted to tell you how I felt right then and there. How I wanted more, but I was afraid. I was afraid of moving too quickly and scaring you away. So I said goodbye and you went on your way. I noticed it after that. You took more and more time to respond to me, and conversation wasn't as easy any more. I knew what was coming, but I was a girl on the train tracks who didn't want to move away from the train.

A couple days after school gets back you snapchat me about needing to talk. First off, if you're going to break a girl's heart at least have the balls to text her about wanting to talk. Secondly, don't linger. You told me that you were not in the right place for a relationship. I respected that, and was not going to make it hard for you so I kept my mouth shut. I told you I was fine, and I think you thought I was dumb, that I didn't get what was going on.

Trust me I got it. It made me want to bawl, call you names, and even throw something at you. Sure we weren't dating but it didn't matter. I was enamored and I felt such strong emotions towards you. So I put on a mask let a couple tears leak through and smiled. Putting on a tough face for the camera until I could get you to leave without being blunt. You don't take a hint very well. You needed to know to leave afterwards. Telling me how you still wanted me in your life, how you still wanted to basically have a relationship without calling it one was not what I needed to hear. I couldn't jump from having feeling to not having feelings. I don't think you could either.

I could be wrong on this one, but you made it sound as if you wanted a relationship down the road. That you wanted to take a couple steps back, be close friends, and then maybe in a year or two try the dating idea again. Don't get me wrong you're amazing, but I can't wait for you. You've blown your chance at dating me. Hell, being friends with you might not be an option either. Because tonight when you texted me saying you were hanging out with the two girls you are taking to the formal, well let us just say I was green eyed with jealousy. I can't make what I feel go away so quickly and I don't know how long it will take for me to truly get over you. Until then, I can't be your friend. Having you in my life just reminds me of why I care about you, and why I want more.

That's not what's best for me. I've got to be able to move on. I find myself longing to talk to you, and whenever my phone goes off I hope that it's you. I still long for more from you, but you can't give it to me. That's okay, but I can't wait around hoping that one day you'll finally be ready. I need to find a way to move on and to do that I can't have you around just yet. I want you in my life, but first I've got to move forward and I can't do that if I'm still feeling things for you.

So this is goodbye,

The girl who needs to move on