To the Boy Who Couldn't Give Me More

Let Me Go

To the same boy who is sending mixed signals,  

You make it nearly impossible to move on. 

When I said I needed space I meant it. These feelings I have for you don't turn on and off like a light switch. Yet, you are once again upon me like a wolf stalking its prey. The constant checking up on me and my family members paired with the off hand flirting that you don't think I notice makes it difficult for me to ignore you.  You want to be in my daily life, and you press your existance upon mine like a cancer that I don't want, but cannot remove. I asked for space, and you gave me none. 

Space and time, to you, is two days. Two FUCKING days, and then you expected me to be all fine and dandy. You wanted me to be over you in two days. I was shocked, but politeness kicked in and I didn't punch you in the face like I wanted too. But I was icy, unfeeling, frozen in an attempt to make you see that I was uncomfortable. It didn't work. I was too afraid to outright say it, but you weren't leaving me alone. 

So I confronted you. 

When confronted, you acknowledge that I've repetatively asked for space but you decide to wrap an arm around my torso while your fingers dance along my hip. When I would pull away every time you didn't take the hint, you go and pull me closer each time. I turned to you then, wanting nothing more then to curse you out, and remind you of why you can't wrap an arm around me. Reminding you that this was what you wanted, initiated, and asked for. You responded by saying that you still found me attractive, which resulted in me calling you an ass. I call you out then and there not caring that I'm making a scene. I cuss you out, telling you how you're going about this all wrong. That you're giving me mixed signals, and that I won't wait around for you to figure it out. I'm barely hanging on as it is. 

I've got to get that out there, that I won't wait for you, because if you asked, I would have. I find myself thinking about how if we'd gone slower we could be happy right now. We're both to blame for this situation, but I can't waste any more tears on you. I can't go running to my best friend and ask him to not beat you up as he sees you hurt me every day. He think's you're an ass too. He was outraged when I told him how you've dumped me only to friendzone me and flirt some more. 

When you try to get him to talk to you he wants nothing more then to beat you to the ground. It pisses him the hell off that you still have the nerve to ask about me, and to complain that I don't want to talk to you. New's flash, none of us care about your moping. 

It's a small campus, and I try my best to avoid you. But, I always find you surrounded by girls. Girls who cling to you and hold your attention. Attention that used to be for me. I see you give them smiles, and secret looks. I know those looks. I miss them, and I find myself jealous to the core. You said you weren't ready for a relationship, but you're already talking to girls again. Seemingly over me so soon, but then I think back to that night, when I cussed you out. Drunk words (on your part) are sober thoughts right? 

You make me feel as if I was nothing to you when you were becoming everything to me. 

Mixed signals.

Back and forth. 

More mixed signals. 

Back and forth. 

I'm driving myself slowly insane, as I can't understand what you want from me. Is it friendship? Is it a future relationship? Becuase the relationship chance is gone, you've missed it. And if you keep acting how you are then you'll miss the chance at friendship too. 

You need to let me go, so that I can let you go. 

Please understand where I'm coming from. 

I'm not ready to be your friend, and I don't know how to act around you. You don't know how to act around me either. This isn't something I can just get over, and I can't start brand new. I don't think you can either, which is why you keep sendig out signals to me. You don't want a relationship becuase you're not in the right place, but you can't just drop the bomb that you're still intrested in me. It's not fair to me.  When I'm around you, I feel like a giddy freshman girl who's getting attention from the star senior soccer player. And I hate myself for it. I hate that even though you've broken my heart I still want to be around you. I still long for meaningless conversations at 2:00 AM and for you to surprise me in the dining hall with a plate of fries for us to share. 

Your presence in my life reminds me of why I wanted more, and that's not good for me. Your genuine want to be my friend reminds me of why I care so deeply for you. You're a good guy, but I can't have you in my life just yet. Seeing you reminds me of what could have been. I didn't love you, but I would have.

I'm sorry that it's got to be this way,

The same girl who needs space