My Silence Revealed

inside

inside, outside, up side down.

a familiar line from a childhood book.

so bright then,

so dark now.

inside i'm crying,

screaming,

hurting,

thinking.

inside i am alone.

which can be good,

or very bad

inside there are voices;

they will never go outside.

i talk to the voices.

they comfort me.

inside i can be me;

no pressure to act different,

just me,

and me, and me.

inside i've lost who i am.

i've changed so many times,

so i am now so many things.

inside i think.

i think and think and think.

i think too much,

but at least im not crying

inside i reason with things.

i think about the realities of the world,

about where i really stand,

about how much i really matter.

inside i know im not important.

i know im replaceable.

why can't i show it outside?

inside im calm and reasonable.

so why am i so different outside?

why do i hold on to things i know will leave?

why do i act so unreasonable?

inside im so very different,

but no one will know,

because it will never show outside,

because it doesn't matter.

inside i know that in life,

or anywhere,

i don't really matter.

inside i know:

eventually i will die,

and be forgotten,

like a fire that has gone out.

inside i know that i act irrationally.

i know i shouldn't try so hard to hold on.

it wont matter later.

everything and everyone can be replaced.

inside i know that joy,

and happiness,

are only tempory.

inside there is reality.

inside there is darkness.

inside there is truth.

inside it is numb.