a solemn walk amongst glowing lights against the night,
with the rain wet in the sidewalks,
dripping down my hair,
a thought that surfaced,
a resolve not to break.
walking alone for the first time,
it had been tens of those exact steps alone,
but now,
i realized how alone,
how desperate,
how desolate i truly was.
i shut off my mouth for brief seconds,
my lips and cheeks cold in the air,
where i saw breaths from others,
but mine waited silently, congested in the midnight sheen.
stars hidden by clouds,
hands coming together,
the scent of alcohol mixed in with rusted rain,
and flowers just the same.
i wanted to crawl into those cracks of the sidewalks,
stepped on,
an endless cycle,
and it was my fault.
greed and loss,
the want of more,
just that warmth of one hand or even a flickering flame that will surely die out,
is a replacement beyond all means,
perfect for me,
because eternal never existed,
and permanent stood by me.
i feel like i can still hear koushi's sniffles,
because i am terrible,
and if he told me lies,
i wouldn't be surprised.
he after all,
was more genuine,
more deserving,
in all ways a better being than me.
but if he were selfish,
would that make him different?
would i have changed?
i don't know.
i was envious of him,
wasn't i?
he had everything,
and i had a few pennies that i could toss in the sewer,
where'd it'd sink to the sea,
all the way,
until light never shines,
and the blue we all see disappears into everlasting black.
walking past those trees we'd stroll past,
holding hands whilst shifting uneasily,
i am thrown back into that current of remembrance,
and it's so fucking hard to escape.
i want to tear my hair out,
rip my heart out of my body,
until all my tears escape and my organs spill out,
so that i am nothing,
and maybe if i were to do it in front of a mirror,
i could see myself,
even with hands painted with crimson blood,
i
could
be
genuine,
not just a permanent satisfaction where my pulse electrifies to make it feel as if it were
forever.
i want to learn the definition of myself again,
because i know i have lost it.
i bear those scars because i want to throw myself another pity party,
and i hated them,
because they never helped at all.
inhaling a deep breath as that numbed pain rushes back to me,
i cry,
for one time,
where it felt truly marvelous,
and for no reason,
i felt just a bit
vibrant,
bright,
like specks of gold,
alive.
